America's True Top Model

I heart Elyse Sewell.

Then:


Now:

From Hero to Zero

I watch too much television. Good television, but too much. Weekly I watch: Rome, Battlestar Galactica, 30 Rock, The Office, Melrose Place (Foxy and Bryce, I curse you), SNL (although I fast forward half of it), cartoons (many), 24 and Heroes. That's not even counting old television shows on DVD like Alias, Six Feet Under and anything by Joss Whedon.

I'm a nerd, but I own it.

Of course with so much competition for my squinty little eyes, I inevitably end up dropping a few shows. Who would have guessed the show most likely to be dumped has turned out to be Heroes on NBC?

Certainly not I.

Oh, Heroes. You were a delicate soufflé that baked too quickly and fell flat before your first season was even finished. You achieved in the course of a few months what other cultish, fan obsessed shows do over the course of six seasons.

That being: 1) start off quirky with shaky but committed legs, 2) create a limited, but rabid, fan base, 3) through word-of-mouth become a phenomenon that reshapes a particular genre and 4) eventually alienate the original nerd core fan base due to sloppy writing, jump the shark premises and a corporate desire for bigger and better ratings.

I blame NBC. I blame our instant-access media culture. I blame myself (for everything). I blame the actors who are so full of themselves its hard to watch them. “Ooh we’re on NBC's it show.” But above all else I blame the fact that NOTHING HEROIC HAPPENS. Nothing heroic happens. Nothing heroic happens.

Nothing.
Heroic.
Happens.

The fat cop who can read minds? He “comes out” about his mind reading to his cheating wife, fixes his sink (with a wrench, not his mind) and discovers she’s pregnant when she tells him. Of course it’s not going to be his, because she's a cheater. But whatever.

The cheerleader with super healing? (No. Not Buffy) She searches the internet for her birth mom and helps her brainwashed (and suddenly not gay) friend to re-discover that she has healing powers.

The mayoral candidate who can fly? He does nothing except fret about his side-mouth-talking (that’s not his power, but his disability) brother who can suck other people’s … powers..

The online stripper with dual personality disorder? She sits in a padded cell and whimpers to her Oprah-Look-Alike psychiatrist about doing nothing with her powers.

The son of the stripper who can talk to ATMs? Again, nothing but he reveals to us that he can talk to ATMs, which we knew already. And seriously, he has turned into one arrogant, little child actor. He was so precocious last autumn.

The ex-con husband of the stripper who can walk through walls? Useless. He can’t feed his child, rescue his wife or advance the storyline. Phase shifting is such a passive power anyways. Lame.

The recovering heroin addict who can paint the future as comic book panels? He does nothing but paint exposition which then the characters discuss. Stop explaining everything to us!

I’m NOT making these characters up. And I’m barely half way through the list!

The Japanese nerdlet with phallus issues who can stop time? Hid under a van the entire episode and seeks an ancient samurai sword to focus his powers. Also discovered his dad is Mr. Sulu from Star Trek. (In his defense he was the #1 most likeable thing of the show, but now his shtick stinks like an old California roll.)

The best friend of the time traveling Japanese nerd? So useless except as an eventual casualty. Note to the actor playing him: Dude, your job has a bull’s-eye painted on it the size of Hiroshima. Start looking for work asap.

The Indian scientist with a weird power that lets him see a little boy in his dreams? Yeah. He’s so annoying. His only use is fifteen minutes of “scientific” exposition per episode.

The red headed waitress with the photographic memory? Before she mysteriously died her only function was the same as the Indian’s: regurgitation of crap we learned from last episode. Get me some pancakes! She will be back.

The Haitian man who can erase people’s memories? Useless except as a means to wipe people’s memories so they can spend an episode re-learning what we’ve already seen.

The cheerleader’s (no longer gay) best friend? Got memory wiped and had to re-learn that people have GASP powers! And yeah, he was totally gay in one episode. Like he came out to her. And now NBC has snipped that from his personality.

The side-mouth talking male nurse who can mimic other people’s powers? Bryce can’t stand looking at him. I can’t stand hearing him. Our powers combined form utter disgust for him. Guess what? He’s had like eight dream sequences where he blows up and nukes New York City. The psychic painter has painted him blowing up New York. Everyone has talked about him blowing up New York. Is he going to blow up New York? What? I must have missed that…

The cheerleader’s creepy dad with cool glasses? He has some sort of power. I don’t know. My fingers are sore from listing these lame characters.

The homeless man who can turn invisible? He steals cell phones and wants to train the male nurse how to use his powers better? He was also in “28 Days Later.”

The psychotic villain who eats people’s brains to gain their powers? He’s been doped up on a research table, then he died, then he came back to life, then he killed a researcher and now has a spigot stuck in the back of his head.

And there’s even more!

Mr. Sulu? Was Nichelle Nichols booked?

The cheerleader’s birth mom who can create fire? Handy because she smokes cigarettes.

The radioactive man who sits in a log cabin and glows all alone? That’s all he does.

Doctor-Oprah mentioned above? Seriously, this woman looks more like Oprah than even Oprah looks like Oprah. Maybe that’s her power?

The mind-reading cop’s, angry, lesbian FBI agent-friend? She’s played by Clea DuVall.

And Mr. Muggles? A Pomeranian puppy that obviously has powers not yet revealed.

And they won’t be revealed. Nothing will be revealed on Heroes because NOTHING HEROIC HAPPENS on Heroes. They’ll talk about it happening, but it simply won’t happen.

I’m giving it one week to shape up, but seriously, with so many characters you’d think the writers would have a field day weaving intricate plots and storylines. No. The show is nothing but two or three person scenes in which the characters talk about what has already happened, which is nothing heroic, which on a show named Heroes strikes me as powerfully ironic.

Mission Accomplished! #63

About "Mission Accomplished!"

Nearly three years ago, I began to collaborate with my buddy Fink on his political parody site, Fink Tank 3000. Being that we were both single, lonely nerds (of different sexual orientations) we spent alot of time in his basement apartment playing Risk, drinking 40 oz beers and getting freaked out by the nation's state of affairs.

It was during one such melting of minds that my pseudonym came into being.

Fink: "What's the gayest name you can think of?"
GN: "Gayest Neil."

In addition to having a gay style column, I created a weekly cartoon based on our adventures. Thus, "Mission Accomplished!" was born. Fink Tank 3000's old format was published every Tuesday. Now he updates daily.

Anyways, a recent break up on his part and a renewed focus on my website (and rugby) led to an extended hiatus of a few months on both our parts. Now, Fink is living back in the old neighborhood. He finally has cable again, so Fink Tank 3000 is up and running.

Check out Fink Tank 3000 every day. And while you're there take the time to look at the 62 other Mission Accomplished! cartoons. I want to build a website specifically for the comic, but want it to be really cool. Currently I'm lacking the skill or time.

Rosie Retardo

Six words: Rosie O'Donnell acting like she's retarded. Man-oh-man, whats better than when respected actors pretend to have a mental difficiency? Answer: when a former comedienne turned talk-show-host does it. (Ellen, don't you dare!)

Personally, I'm thrilled for Rosie! Bryce and I were sitting on the sofa when those touching strings of Hallmark Hall of Fame music came streaming across the commercials, and there, sure enough was Rosie grinning like a psycho and chasing Andie MacDowell. (I thought Rosie was acting normal until Bryce confirmed that, no, she was indeed pretending to be retarded!) Forget Star Wars, I absolutely can't wait to see this piece of crap!

Ohmygod! The whole affair just reminded me of Joey! I kid you not. After all, would I lie to you guys? Joey is a character I've played three times on the streets of New York. Clad in my brown hoodie, a pair of slacks, a white collared button down, burgundy tie and sneakers, on a few occassions I have questioned street vendors and pedestrians as a person suffering from mental retardation. "Mah naym is Joooooeeeey. Dooo you like Spider-Maaan!?" HAHA...Thank you Rosie for sparking my own failed memory. But enough about me, let's get back to this tragic television movie, "Riding the Bus with My Sister".

Bryce's good friend (and DJ-diva) Matilda von Crumbcake forwarded him an urgent plea regarding an absurd/awesome online poll asking "has a retard ever touched your life?" The letter is very thorough (although a bit p.c. for my tastes) and includes some fascinating history detailing celebrities acting retarded and goes thusly (edited for length and the funny bits I've stolen. Also the links are my addition):

". . . This is the latest in a string of movies in which non-developmentally disabled actors play developmentally disabled adults, dating back to the early '80s TV movie "Bill" (starring Mickey Rooney as a school janitor who accidentally burns the school down), to the 1999 Gary Marshall film, "The Other Sister" (starring Juliette Lewis and Giovanni Ribisi as two developmentally disabled young people in love), all the way up to the 2002 film, "Radio" (starring Cuba Gooding, Jr. as the inspirational water boy of a football team). All of the actors in these movies made the foolish choice of playing retarded people, and only one of them has ever pulled it off with some semblance of dignity: Leonardo DiCaprio in "What's Eating Gilbert Grape." It's embarrassing. And keep in mind, these people are real actors. . . The reason I bring this to your attention is because the official website is currently featuring a thought-provoking poll on the lower right-hand corner of the page: "Has a developmentally disabled person ever touched your life? "I urge you to vote "no" on the poll. Please join in my mission to make "no" be the winner of this inane poll. Even if your life has been touched by a developmentally disabled person, take the time to vote. In the process, we'll all be teaching the producers of this movie and its website a passive aggressive lesson about insulting everyone's intelligence. Please forward this email on to your friends, co-workers and loved ones. Thank you for your time.
Sincerely, Nick Prueher

Bravo Nick! I salute your endeavor and have already voted "NO". May your knowledge of actors acting retarded inspire millions to your cause!!!!!

Joan Unearthed

Peruvian mummyologists were shocked this weekend by the apparent discovery of Joan Rivers buried within a crypt two miles beneath the surface of the Andes Mountains.

"Make no mistake. It is definitely Joan Rivers." said expert mummyologist Dr. Jorge Velasquez. The likeness is uncanny and grotesque. "Oh God she's so fucking ugly, man. I can't bear to look at her. I think I'm going to vomit."

From pinched, sunken eye sockets to the dried, stretched skin across her bony, desiccated, nose-bereft face, the shriveled mummy is an identical match for red carpet diva Joan Rivers. "My research team thought we had it good when we found several mummified dogs and chickens. We had no idea what was in store for us until we opened the "Joan" crypt further below."

The "Joan" crypt is the name the research team gave to the interior chamber. It was here that Dr. Velasquez and his mummyology crew pried open a hieroglyphic covered stone door and made a significant discovery not only for Peruvian culture, but Peruvian couture as well.
"It was crazy man. The walls were covered in old dresses, all left in tatters. It looks like some sort of costume sacrifice. My mummyologist's instinct tells me they buried Joan Rivers in here and sacrificed these ugly ass Peruvian dresses to her thousands of years ago. It's crazy. I still don't know how there are two Joan Riverses in the world. She's still alive right? Doing that bitchy red carpet stuff on tV? Where she makes fun of Hollywood gowns at the Oscars?"

The hieroglyphs on the entry door may hold the answers that antiquity scholars and celebrity fashionistas seek in light of this bizarre, evocative discovery.

The following prophecies were translated from an ancient Peruvian mummy language:

"And lo the matron jester of the kings shall achieve un-death upon prophecy of the Queen's robes. Nay shall speak of plagues and wars and temples to the sun. All shall speak of best dressed and worst dressed! And none shall look upon her visage, lest cursed dreams and crying Peruvian babies spoil their night's
rest. And so shall the matron jester live thousands stone calendars beyond the Gods and unto every generation she shall be reborn like the elegance of a single-hued, fitted waist gown with simple, beaded accents matched with a stylish brooch, slinky heels and a graceful wrap. Lo shall she be named the Jo'An of the Rivers, the matron jester of the Queen's robes. And the carpets shall run red with the blood of the worst dressed."

Peruvian mummyologist Dr. Jorge Velasquez had this to add, "Dude, that's fucked up."

I attempted to contact Joan Rivers for comment on this bizarre discovery but upon her answering, locusts crawled from my phone, severely biting my hands. Subsequent attempts resulted in virgin's blood pouring from my phone as well as the nightmarish sounds of Billy Ray Cyrus' 1992 crossover country hit, "Achy Breaky Heart".

Again, Peruvian mummyologist Dr. Jorge Velasquez, "Dude, that's really fucked up. That song is so terrible. I think I'm going to vomit."

Exactly. Something ancient and evil was unearthed that day. A secret that should never have been discovered. We'll leave this mummy mystery to the experts and the fashion advice to the hauntingly beautiful Joan Rivers, the matron jester of the Queen's robes.

Punx'd!

"I couldn't believe it. The policeman giving me a ticket turned out to be a groundhog. I was all like, Wh-wh-whaaat?!'"

That’s only one of many declarations of shock from everyday men and women getting a taste of sweet reality TV and sour hoaxes on MTV's latest prank show "Punx'd" created and starring 117-year old groundhog thespian and seasonal prophet, Punxsutawney Phil.

"He desperately wanted to get out of the hole he’d dug for himself." said John Dobbins, Phil's top-hat wearing handler. "Sure, every year the nation looks to him for that six week prediction, but he's got so much talent. It was a shame to leave it hidden in his tree stump home.

"So he came up with the idea, the show, everything. [Punxsutawney Phil] pitched “Punx’d” to MTV and the rest, as they say, is history."

"Punx'd" follows a familiar format established by television prank shows "Candid Camera" and "The Jamie Kennedy Experiment". Put unaware Americans in hilarious situations with a kooky character and simply let the cameras roll. The joy comes in the revelation that it’s all an elaborate set up. And also that grown adults have been hoodwinked by a groundhog.

"Lord, praise Him. I thought I was going to die!" It sounds serious, but Karen Essex, 53, from Kettering, Ohio had nothing but laughs describing her “turbulent” run in with Punxsutawney Phil during a recent prank that was cut from the show amidst national security concerns.

"I'm on the plane and the stewardess is handing out soft drinks. She disappears behind us and all of the sudden there's this Arab in a turban. He has a knife and he's hijacking the plane! Scared me to death. I called my husband on my cell phone and began to sob. I was absolutely panic stricken and hysterical. I told Harold I loved him and I was going to die. Well, guess what? That darned Arab turned out to be a ground hog! It was Punxsutawney Phil up to his mischief again. Not only that, but the little rascal was the stewardess too! I still have no idea how he changed his costume so quickly."

Entertain Me Weakly scheduled a chat with the “Punx’d” star and after three hours waiting for Mr. Phil to arrive, I was informed the little groundhog had been my bartender the entire time. And let me tell you, the little beast makes a mean Manhattan.

Punxsutawney Phil assured me that his new-found celebrity status hasn't gone to his furry, adorable head. He still enjoys the simple pleasures of life: cashews and sunny days. The normally cordial burrowing mammal did get a bit testy when I asked him if there was any truth to recent rumors linking him with hotel heiress and reality TV star, Paris Hilton. The two were seen canoodling in the VIP room of Manhattan strip club, Scores.

When Entertain Me Weakly followed up with a teetering Ms. Hilton about her new friend she punched and spat at me before saying she loves animals and tipsily hugging me.

With a hip new show, a boozy, socialite girlfriend and more mischievous merriment, it looks like spring has certainly sprung for America's favorite groundhog prophet turned prankster, Punxsutawney Phil.

Presented in Queeriovision

The conservative magnifying glass has focused more intently on children’s programming lately with homophobic accusations tossed at (clearly queer) beloved cartoon character Spongebob Squarepants and, more recently the Public Broadcasting Service.

U.S. Education Secretary Margaret Spellings blasted PBS for secretly supporting the “gay agenda” through its children’s programming. The episode in question, "Sugartime!" passively refers to a lesbian couple who are maple sugar farmers in Vermont.

Ms. Spellings has no conceivable notion just how deeply the gay agenda has infiltrated children’s television and videos.

“Sugartime!” and Spongebob are only two of nearly a million programs featuring gay themes discretely slipped into children's content. Red state parents, I now give you a tiny glimpse into the power of the queer media and the insidious programming that homosexuals have in store for your impressionable children.

BEAVERS FOREVER: An empowering tale of a “worst to first” all-girl’s high school basketball team, the Beavers, who face down financial and gender adversity and discover they don’t need boys for anything. The Beavers raise enough money to go to the State finals and win!
Morgan, the team captain, wins the heart of the head cheerleader, Susie, when she asks her out to the prom. On top of it all, the young ladies rock out to a surprise prom concert given by the Indigo Girls.

MORRIS AND BRAWNY'S CUB COTTAGE: Morris and Brawny are bears. Bears live in the woods. Bears don't wear a lot of clothes and tend to sniff as many other bears as “bearly” possible. Parent's complain cause the cartoon "bears" aren't even bears, just horny, chubby gay men with beards.

SUSIE 2 THE MAX: A Claymation special starring Susie, a teacup voiced by Mario Cantone, and Max, a hammer voiced by Lea Delaria. The two live in a giant loft apartment in beautiful Chelsea, New York where they explore the neighborhood with Devon (voiced by Neil Patrick Harris); their single, educated, witty owner who has a large disposable income and really nice furniture. Devon's mother, (voiced by Cher) constantly asks him why he has no girlfriend yet compliments him on his interior design skills.

TINY TYKES TINA TIME: Preschoolers learn from Francisco, a swishy Latino drug lord, how to count in Spanish with the help of song and dance and gay party drug, crystal-meth. The kids keep counting and counting and counting and dancing and dancing and dancing. One memorable scene features a four year-old boy shrieking "This shit is better than Kool-aid!" With a running time of four days and six hours this special is sure to make your kids want a siesta, eventually.

TINKY WINKY AND CHARLES NELSON REILLY HAPPY HAPPY FUN HOUR: He’s baaack. Before Spongebob there was Tinky Winky! Tinky giggles and teaches basic shapes in this colorful Japanese import while a digitally remastered Charles Nelson Reilly drinks martinis and complains about his lousy life. Parents didn't like the occasional guest appearances by John Cameron Mitchell of “Hedwig and the Angry Inch” fame as Chronasylestria - a time traveling, drag queen crime-solver who can only transport herself by exposing her genitalia.

Parents, you’ve been warned.

Alias of the CIA

‘Alias’ is back for its fourth year with an unconventional winter launch and, following tradition, an unconventional plot twist to kick off the season. The popular television series follows the adventures of Sydney Bristow, a super spy who can change outfits as quickly as she can disarm a bomb. Sydney is played by Jennifer Garner.

In a move that will stun regular viewers of the series, Sydney and her fellow CIA agents are moved into a secret black-ops unit run by none other than Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. Rumsfeld is a fictional character coincidentally named after present Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld and coincidentally played by Donald Rumsfeld.

“J.J. [Abrams] called me down in the laboratory bunker beneath the Washington Mall. He said he’d heard I had experience running a secret team of international super spies. I said I couldn’t confirm anything, but that I might know something of the subject. We met for brunch, looked over some scripts and I signed on to be the new mastermind of the team. It’s rather straight forward. Why are you asking so many questions, huh?”

Entertain Me Weakly escaped chemical interrogation and spoke with producer Abrams about the casting coup. “Rumsfeld has the authenticity that you can’t find in any actor, not Connery, not Hopkins, not Shatner, no one. The Donald Rumsfeld on ‘Alias’ is a mastermind in control of a black ops unit that works above the law. Only Donald Rumsfeld has the gravitas to play this Donald Rumsfeld.

Unfortunately, fans of Arvin Sloane, formerly the mastermind and Sydney’s archenemy, will be seeing less of the character, although he will be staying on with the show.

“Sloane will now be the janitor.” Ron Rifken, the actor who portrays the former mastermind had little else to say about the casting change, other than, “First ‘Leaving L.A.’, now this. Great. Fucking great. My career is ruined.”

Announcement of the show’s new format comes amidst actual political accusation that Donald Rumsfeld has actually been running a beefed up intelligence squad under the jurisdiction of the Pentagon ever since the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001.

Fact or fiction, this season of Alias is already shaping up to be one of the best yet and Donald Rumsfeld certainly can’t hurt. Unless you are a naked Iraqi prisoner in a filthy prison cell and he wants to get some info out of you. Then yeah, he’d hurt like Hell, but otherwise it shouldn’t.