Joan Unearthed

Peruvian mummyologists were shocked this weekend by the apparent discovery of Joan Rivers buried within a crypt two miles beneath the surface of the Andes Mountains.

"Make no mistake. It is definitely Joan Rivers." said expert mummyologist Dr. Jorge Velasquez. The likeness is uncanny and grotesque. "Oh God she's so fucking ugly, man. I can't bear to look at her. I think I'm going to vomit."

From pinched, sunken eye sockets to the dried, stretched skin across her bony, desiccated, nose-bereft face, the shriveled mummy is an identical match for red carpet diva Joan Rivers. "My research team thought we had it good when we found several mummified dogs and chickens. We had no idea what was in store for us until we opened the "Joan" crypt further below."

The "Joan" crypt is the name the research team gave to the interior chamber. It was here that Dr. Velasquez and his mummyology crew pried open a hieroglyphic covered stone door and made a significant discovery not only for Peruvian culture, but Peruvian couture as well.
"It was crazy man. The walls were covered in old dresses, all left in tatters. It looks like some sort of costume sacrifice. My mummyologist's instinct tells me they buried Joan Rivers in here and sacrificed these ugly ass Peruvian dresses to her thousands of years ago. It's crazy. I still don't know how there are two Joan Riverses in the world. She's still alive right? Doing that bitchy red carpet stuff on tV? Where she makes fun of Hollywood gowns at the Oscars?"

The hieroglyphs on the entry door may hold the answers that antiquity scholars and celebrity fashionistas seek in light of this bizarre, evocative discovery.

The following prophecies were translated from an ancient Peruvian mummy language:

"And lo the matron jester of the kings shall achieve un-death upon prophecy of the Queen's robes. Nay shall speak of plagues and wars and temples to the sun. All shall speak of best dressed and worst dressed! And none shall look upon her visage, lest cursed dreams and crying Peruvian babies spoil their night's
rest. And so shall the matron jester live thousands stone calendars beyond the Gods and unto every generation she shall be reborn like the elegance of a single-hued, fitted waist gown with simple, beaded accents matched with a stylish brooch, slinky heels and a graceful wrap. Lo shall she be named the Jo'An of the Rivers, the matron jester of the Queen's robes. And the carpets shall run red with the blood of the worst dressed."

Peruvian mummyologist Dr. Jorge Velasquez had this to add, "Dude, that's fucked up."

I attempted to contact Joan Rivers for comment on this bizarre discovery but upon her answering, locusts crawled from my phone, severely biting my hands. Subsequent attempts resulted in virgin's blood pouring from my phone as well as the nightmarish sounds of Billy Ray Cyrus' 1992 crossover country hit, "Achy Breaky Heart".

Again, Peruvian mummyologist Dr. Jorge Velasquez, "Dude, that's really fucked up. That song is so terrible. I think I'm going to vomit."

Exactly. Something ancient and evil was unearthed that day. A secret that should never have been discovered. We'll leave this mummy mystery to the experts and the fashion advice to the hauntingly beautiful Joan Rivers, the matron jester of the Queen's robes.

Alias of the CIA

‘Alias’ is back for its fourth year with an unconventional winter launch and, following tradition, an unconventional plot twist to kick off the season. The popular television series follows the adventures of Sydney Bristow, a super spy who can change outfits as quickly as she can disarm a bomb. Sydney is played by Jennifer Garner.

In a move that will stun regular viewers of the series, Sydney and her fellow CIA agents are moved into a secret black-ops unit run by none other than Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. Rumsfeld is a fictional character coincidentally named after present Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld and coincidentally played by Donald Rumsfeld.

“J.J. [Abrams] called me down in the laboratory bunker beneath the Washington Mall. He said he’d heard I had experience running a secret team of international super spies. I said I couldn’t confirm anything, but that I might know something of the subject. We met for brunch, looked over some scripts and I signed on to be the new mastermind of the team. It’s rather straight forward. Why are you asking so many questions, huh?”

Entertain Me Weakly escaped chemical interrogation and spoke with producer Abrams about the casting coup. “Rumsfeld has the authenticity that you can’t find in any actor, not Connery, not Hopkins, not Shatner, no one. The Donald Rumsfeld on ‘Alias’ is a mastermind in control of a black ops unit that works above the law. Only Donald Rumsfeld has the gravitas to play this Donald Rumsfeld.

Unfortunately, fans of Arvin Sloane, formerly the mastermind and Sydney’s archenemy, will be seeing less of the character, although he will be staying on with the show.

“Sloane will now be the janitor.” Ron Rifken, the actor who portrays the former mastermind had little else to say about the casting change, other than, “First ‘Leaving L.A.’, now this. Great. Fucking great. My career is ruined.”

Announcement of the show’s new format comes amidst actual political accusation that Donald Rumsfeld has actually been running a beefed up intelligence squad under the jurisdiction of the Pentagon ever since the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001.

Fact or fiction, this season of Alias is already shaping up to be one of the best yet and Donald Rumsfeld certainly can’t hurt. Unless you are a naked Iraqi prisoner in a filthy prison cell and he wants to get some info out of you. Then yeah, he’d hurt like Hell, but otherwise it shouldn’t.

Masturbator of the Universe

First it was a shitty Garfield remake and now He-Man is set to make a big screen revival at the fast grasshopper-style Hong Kong action director hands of John Woo. What’s next? Will VICKI the robot girl make it to the silver screen in a cinematic adaptation of TV’s “Small Wonder”?

Harvey, have your people call my people. That could be big!

Why Woo, why? Why? Cause 1980’s fetishism is, like, totally bad to the bone. And Mattel has bins of He-Man toys collecting dust in far away Chinese warehouses. They must be sold. America’s little boys need half naked, muscle men with giant glistening swords to pound against one another.

May I remind you the last movie was sooooooooooo bad? By Orko’s hat it was so bad! Dolph Lundgren was the worse He-Man ever (at least until Woo’s remake, err revisioning. I’m not sure).

I still don’t understand why he had a laser pistol. A fucking laser pistol? He-Man has the Sword of Eternia! He-Man never used a stupid laser pistol! That’s been simmering on my stove for decades now.

And poor little Courtney Cox with frizzy 80’s hair, she was a mess. Why risk it, John Woo? Why gamble the He-Man franchise and a generation’s collective memory with what could be a second resoundingly crappy film?!

Green screens and martial arts could help the special effects, but I’d wager it’s all going to come down to the casting and unfortunately the muscle bound macho action star has been replaced by the witty, doe-eyed mama’s boy. In 1984 Arnold and Dolph reigned supreme. Twenty years later, the action stars are skinny little nerds like Toby Maguire or Jude Law. Let them play She-Ra. Where ever will you find a suitable He-Man? Not The Rock! By the Power of Grayskull anyone but The Rock. PLEASE!

This whole project sounds fraught with perils as deadly as Hordak’s green slime pit. Atleast casting Skeletor will be easy. Check out most gay porn and you’ll find any number of suitable steroid pumped actors with skeletal, wasting faces.

Ouchies, that was a bit harsh.

Well John Woo best of luck. I certainly will see your fucking film, but I won’t buy your merchandise. At least I won’t open and play with any of the toys I might buy. It would ruin their collectibility and in twenty years who knows how fetishized the 2000’s will be?