November 04, 2005

Fraud or Friendster?

Dear Beloved,

My apologies for previously posting such a maudlin message. I was coming down off a hazelnut venti buzz and felt the need to share the personal power of my unsent email.

In regarding my hesitancy to send my friend my actual thoughts in this morning’s email, I looked to a few of the bold emails I’ve received on that sticky web of friends (and foes): Friendster. Ah…Friendster. Do we love you? Do we hate you? What have we learned from you? Well, the people we're stalking on Friendster now know we're looking at their profiles again and again and again. Which kind of sucks. After regarding a few of my past Friendster emails, I’ve learned that mine certainly could use a little more drama, a little more boldness.

Two Friendster users, Suisse and Maysani, have certainly schooled me a lesson on the art of the bold email & the declaration of friendship. That is friendship and the procurement of millions of dollars in an international scheme to defraud a third world nation wracked by civil war. Like I said: DRAMA. My life is a walk in the park compared to these ladies.

But who is paying attention? Friendsters is a bond stronger than hetero-marriage in these halcyon days of cyber camaraderie.

Wow. That’s like totes meta!

The following are actual emails I received on Friendster. The date and name of the Friendster are included. Sadly, neither had photos on their profiles. Enjoy. These bitches are bold (although they could use a spell check).

Please send money immediately. Time is of the essence, Gayest Neil

From Suisse, today (she’s my inspiration for all this nonsense and, yeah it's long.) 11/04/2005:
Dear Friend,

I am sorry if this mail will come to you as an embarrassment or a suprise, I just felt like empting myself to you,I got your contact through yahoo member's directory and having gone through you profile I decided to contact you ,as am faced with total frustration and hardship. My ernest prayer is that you find this mail in good health and blessings. I am presently residing in Abidjan, Cote d'Ivoire.I left my country with my father after the death of my mother during the war in our country and we came here because my father owned a business here, (cocoa business), during the going political crisis here which has turn out into a civil war since 2003,my father was attacked and killed here at the hit of the crisis as the rebels were killing prominent foreigners with the reason that they were financially supporting the government against them and the rebels are accusing the government of doing the

Presently,I am staying in a REFUGEE camp assisted by the Red cross organisation, due to the way which the camp is securized by united nations forces and after the death of my father,our house was set ablaze, I was unable to meet my needs pay my bills and accommodation. And in my dilemma which was another reason for going to the camp, where I could at least feed and sleep as I did not know anyone here. I take permission to go to the town where they have internet access to enable me correspond with you. Secondly,my late father concealed some amount of money in a trunk box and deposited it in a safe keeping house to the turn of $8.5 million dollars which I will want you to help me move out of this country because of the war here.
But the safe keeping house does not know the true content of the trunk to be cash as my father declared upon deposit as containing art craft for export.

My father confided so much in me after the death of my mother, infact I became his wife, we were so close that we never did anything without my knowledge and opinion All that I want is your sincere and genuine help in helping me safe guide this trunk which means that you will have to come here so that we can meet face to face first before proceeding with this claim, as we have to do the claiming of the trunk which the money is concealed claimed out of the safe keeping house first and the money moved out of this country as I am the named next of kin to this deposit.

I can not allow the money remain here while because of the war here which possess a great risk to as my life andfuture solely lies on it. If you have heard from the news for the past few months now there has been intense fighting and bombing by the French troops which I will like to live here as soon as we have this money moved out f this country.

I will also like upon your arrival here to open an account in any of the international banks of your choice here where this money will be lodged into for transfer to your country, I know that this is our first mail, but I have decided to confide in you from the choice of your word on your profile. I want you to know that for years now, I have lived in absolute frustration, tires and pains without any person around me, no parent, uncles or friend, but God had kept me until now, which I believe that I will smile once again.

Thirdly, I do not want to attach myself to you out of desperation so that I do not get sed rather I intend you helping me to claim this money as I intend living for your
country to start an entire new life and complete my education, as you will have to help in the investment of this money. But I really need your help at this trial and difficult time of mine. I am totally frustrated that my whole mind for now lies on my survival which is securing this money.

Please I am confiding completely in you and I really need your assistance at this point. Thank you, Suisse.

That my friends is a BOLD email. So girlfriend marries her father (deceased) and now wants me to fly to the Ivory Coast to meet face-to-face (bitch lives in a regufee camp but she is able to use the internet?) so I can open a safe deposit box (in the bank of my choice...thanks Suisse) and she and I can escape from the French? Do I look like Sydney Bristow? Lordy. Drama! I got to thinking though, if her family is in the Cocoa Business... does that make her a Suisse Miss? Hah.
Now Maysani. I have a particular fondness for Ms. Maysani. I received her email quite a while ago and was so tempted to respond to her. But the idea of her son, Mustapha, chopping my arms off (or some other horrible fate - I've seen Hotel Rwanda thank you!) dissuaded me from the endeavor. Again, enjoy. (And thank God Maysani is a waaaay less chatty than incesty Suisse!)

Maysani on January, 31 2005

Dear Beloved

Due to the sudden death of my husband General Abacha the former head of state of Nigeria in June 1998, I have been thrown into a state of hopelessness by the present administration.I have lost confidence with anybody within my country.I got your contacts through personal research, and had to reach you through this medium. I will give you more details when you reply.Due to security network placed on my daily affairs I cant visit the embassy so that is why I have contacted you. My husband deposited $12.6 million dollars with a security firm abroad whose name is with held for now till we communicate. I will be happy if you can receive this funds for safe keeping and I assure you a very good percent of this fund I will instruct my son to contact you so please feel free to comunicate with my son. I await your urgent response,

NOTE: Please i would to have a reply of yours in my private email address so that i can easily contact you and also send me your contact telephone number so that my son Mustapha can call and discuss verbally with you regarding this transaction so that you can as well as any question whatsoever. Do please keep this transaction confidential for my family. I await your urgent response. Maysani

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Hello Guyest Neil!
I am Xiaoling Huang of the Peoples Republic of China. My father was powerful communist leader until he was killed by even more powerful communist leaders. I fled from my family's enemies into exile, where I hid from them disguised as a geisha. In Turkey.

My father buried several million gold coins beneath the acres of rice patties behind our family mansion. He was not hiding the money; he was trying to grow gold trees. (If he was smarter, he would probably not be dead.) I need your help to enter China and claim my inheritance. Please send me your passport and $14,000 for a really nice shovel. I will repay your kindness in antique urns.