The producer, Choco, tells me they’re contemplating hiring a perky co-host in the style of Madisen Michelle from the TV Guide channel. Gah! I argued the point and they said every “outrageous” gay man needs a glamorous girlfriend. “Look at Will & Grace,” Choco offered.
“Look at my ass,” I offered and left LOGO’s offices in tears. Thus I was bereft of my own reality TV show. That was until last night when the Food Network called and offered me MY VERY OWN REALITY TELEVISION SHOW!
AMERICA’S NEXT TOP STRUDEL!
Suddenly that elusive desert island full of coniving strangers became an exclusive dessert island full of delicous strudels. America’s Next Top Strudel has a simple, yet brilliant, premise. Me and a panel of judges sample strudels and over the course of eight weeks determine which one is the most delicious. I think the various chefs have to debase themselves by eating bugs or living in a shed or something as well. I don't know and don't care. Strudel here comes daddy!
Part of me is a tad bit leary. I honestly don’t know how they are going to stretch this premise into eight weeks. Perhaps plenty of recap episodes?
Food Network assures me that I am the STAR of the show. But also on the judging panel will be Rachel Ray, Oprah Winfrey and Julia Child.
Yes! Julia Child. I thought she was deceased too girl, but FN needed a big name for foodies to connect with, so they asked Julia and she signed on. I'm not too certain Julia is completely there though, you know, mentally? We’ve taped the pilot episode and the woman has yet to speak. I’m concerned she may just be a mannequin, or perhaps her actual corpse? Tres macabre! Bon appetit! Below is our very first publicity still.
I'm soooooooooooo excited about my first reality television program. Over the next few weeks I'll be giving you reality show tid bits and juicy, gossip about my co-stars. For instance, did you know cheap-ass Rachel Ray SAVES HER PIZZA CRUSTS? And I don't just mean her own. We were eating pepperoni pizza from the craft services table and she's putting everyone's discarded crusts in a zip lock baggy. I noticed Oprah eyeing her skeptically as well.
"Rachel, why are you hoarding those crusts?" I asked.
"Oh, I like to whip up a garlic butter and sneak them into the movie. They make a delicious and inexpensive theatre treat."
Ew. Missus $40-a-day is cheap and nasty. Dear reader, all of what I've told you thus far probably goes in direct conflict with Food Network's Non-Disclosure Agreement (I haven't read it yet). No matter. NDA be damned! Keep posted for more savory tid bits from Food Network's America's Next Top Strudel starring me, Gayest Neil!