March 05, 2006

Oscar is Gay, Gay, GAY!!!!

Hello Darlings! This is Gayest Neil and Plastic Music and we're blogging live from the green sofa of our charming Clinton Hill home! So let's get the glamour and gaiety rolling!

6:42 Bryce is looking over the Hing Wong deliver menu. I'm thinking of General Tso's chicken. We're at a toss up over Won Ton Soup.

Alex Trebek is on the television with an Academy Award question: "This performer sweetened his resume by winning a Grammy and an Oscar." It was Eminem.

6:45 Bryce is going to have Mongolian Beef. We're amazed at all the homosexuals on television nowadays. Bryce rants at a mincing fashion queen's criticism of Reese Witherspoon's Chanel faux pas, "Whatever! Whats the big deal about wearing the same dress that someone else wore?!" We're wearing matching pajamas.

Bryce turns the channel before Alex Trebek's next Oscar Jeopardy question. Oh God. We see the rapper performing the music for "Hustle and Flow" tonight. Issac Mizrahi describes him as having the "Blingiest Teeth" he's ever seen. Bryce screams in revulsion at the jewel encrusted chompers. I personally love mouth jewelry.

6:50 Stevel Carrell (Forty Year Old Virgin) may be drunk. Either that or he's unusually tongue tied. He gives a shout out to Catherine Keener.

6:52 Bryce: Jada Pinkett Smith is short! Ok, JPS looks like she is on the Atkins diet. Look at how muscley her face is.

Oh my God Bryce! He's stealing the laptop from me while I order Chinese food!

Bryce: These people are retarded. Milling about the red carpet looking for people with microphones to stroke their egos. They should have just stayed home and jerked off in front of the mirror. Narcissistic idiots.

6:58 OK. Hey, Gayest Neil back again.

7:04 DOLLY PARTON! She's dressed like she's going to the Grand Old Opry. Aww Dolly. Her face is so tight. Neil, "Is she up for an Oscar?"

Bryce, "Transamerica, best song."

7:05 the excitement is growing on the red carpet. Here on the green sofa, the search for the beeping cell phone is growing. Only fifty five minutes until the Oscars actually begin.

7:15 Discussion of King Kong segues to a video collection of "Monkeys in Hollywood". It's going to be a long night.

7:23 Chatterbox movie critics (Leonard Maltin and two others) are giving their little blurb opinions of who is going to win the leading ac-- ooh the Chinese food is here.

7:29 George Clooney (three time nominee! oooh snap) says he'll be "the drunk in the back" when asked which nomination he most wants to win. That's some confidence there. Bryce wonders why he's so eligible and so single. Bryce sounds like George Clooney's concerned mother. Maybe Clooney is gay, gay, GAY! He should ask Oscar out.

7;31 Oh no. It's boring ass Jennifer Aniston! Bryce, "Bland. Boring!" Haha. I've never taken the time to listen or look at Jennifer Aniston. Wow she really is boring!

BUT NOT REESE WITHERSPOON! She's up on the carpet now with her WOOFY DELICIOUS husband, Ryan Phillippe. Aww what a cute couple. I hope she wins and Bryce thinks she will. Bryce hopes they will stay together adding, "You know what I mean?" Not really, but I nod and eat my General Tso. OHMYGOD! TIME CHECK!

7:35 Bryce just coughed and shot rice out his nose! I'm not kidding you loyal readers! Back to gay, gay, gay, gay, transexual, gay OSCAR!

7:36 Bryce has recovered from his rice expulsion and announces the video montages (Monkeys, Villains, Love Scenes) are irritating. I agree. He wonders how many savy film fans are actually going to the ABC website to correctly guess that Naomi Watts cuddling a CGI giant gorilla is "King Kong".

7:40 I went to the ABC website. I missed three romantic scenes and got most the monkey scenes correct. Felicity Huffman is watching a video good luck card from the Desperate Housewives. She fakes tears and says their support is a "blessing".

BRYCE'S TAKE: Something about the "we all love each other"/ Girls Club PR spin that ABC and the DP producers feel compelled to thrust upon us cynical TV viewers strikes me as completely phony. We all know that Teri Hatcher is a total cunt and that they probably all hate each other on the set of that completely overrated, silly show.

7:45 SEXY Jake Gyllenhunky admits that kissing a man is the same as kissing a woman. Eh. I don't know about that. I get more lipstick on my collar kissing Bryce than any woman I've ever kissed. Oh no. The trio of film critics are back to lets us know what a watershed movie "Brokeback Mountain" is. Oooooooook. Did anyone else know that Brokeback mountain is about gay cowboys?! CRRRRRazy

7:50 What the hell is wrong with Jamie Foxx's sister? She looks like Dee from "What's Happening?" Jessica Alba in gold Versace looked like an Oscar according to the fashion expert. I'd wager Michael Chiklis from "The Shield" dressed in gold Versace would resemble gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay Oscar before skinny Jessica Alba. oh well.

7:58 OSCAR! OK. I'm a big fan of John Stewart. I hope he does well tonight. Bryce thinks John Stewart is sexy.

Bryce's take: Little, greying Jewish men are hot!

Here we go! The gay, gay, gay Oscars starts with Billy Crystal and Chris Rock in the pup tent and George Clooney and John Stewart in bed.

John Stewart's opening monologue was wonderfully uncomfortable and received an expected chuckle from the gay, gay, gay Oscar "should we laugh at it?" audience mixed with a few moments of genuine laughter. Favorite joke: Bjork couldnt' join us tonight. She was putting on her Oscar dress and Dick Cheney shot her. Brava!

8:16 Nicole Kidman is gorgeous and presenting the Best Supporting Actor award. She's got the squinty eye thing going though. And the winner is... George Clooney! Ok. Good. I hope Bryce will .. ooh hang on. George Clooney is proud to be "out of touch!" His gay, gay, gay Oscar speech started out kind of self-depriciating and quickly became an uplifting thank you mentioning AIDS on the silver screen and Hattie McDaniel. Fabulous! Mmm.. He is sexy.

8:30 Bryce. Animated's going to be Wallace & Gromit. I hope it's Mike Johnson for Corpse Bride cuz I used to work with him and he's super nice.

8:32: I knew it! Wallace & Gromit. No big surprise. I'm not fond of the look of Aardman/Nick Park animation, honestly. Oh well.

Bad bowties on the Brits.

EWWWWW! Naomi Watts?!?!?! Why?!?!?! You are wearing a shreaded rag!

8:35 Yay!!! Dolly Parton is on now! Travelin Thru is nominated for best song.

Damn. She is super skinny. I have no idea how she can support them titties.

Sorry, Dolly, but this song is kind of boring. The lyrics are good, but this song is in search of a hook. Nonetheless, I hope it wins cuz Dolly is the fucking queen of all time. Who doesn't love Dolly?!?!! She is too damn cute.

8:42 Thank you Bryce. I agree. I love Dolly. We come back to John Stewart lecturing the audience about Scientology. Funny, but it's not gay, gay, gay, GAY enough for this Oscars. The Owen and Luke Wilson are here to present short live film whatever award. I'm not into gay, gay, gay incest. But if they were to make out a little I certainly would not switch the channel. The winner is a cute Irish bloke. Is he gay, gay? He sounds it. But it may just be the fact that he's Irish.

8:45 UUGH Chicken Little and Abby Mallard (animated creatures) are presenting and Bryce is groaning audibly. Animated Short award goes to "The Moon and the Sun, an Imagined Conversation." YES! GAY GAY GYA OSCAR! THE winner thanked his LIFE PARDNER. The first out fag of tonight's Oscars is John Canemaker. Maybe it should be Canesucker.

8:48 Jennifer Anniston looks like she fell asleep in her tanning bed. Yay for costume design though! Gay, Gay, Gay Oscar for Gay, Gay, Gay Costumes goes to Memoirs of a Gaysha! The winner also won previously for gay-favorite "Chicago".

Bryce's Take: Why are they playing music during the acceptance speeches? Lame!

8:51 Damnit. Fucking Russell Crowe. What a prick. I can't stand Russell Crowe. He's totally a douche. A telephone tossing douche. So now we have a video montage of famous folk who have been portrayed in the movies. "No Wire Hangers" confirms this is the gay, gay, gayest Oscars ever. Clips of Eileene Wournos, Evita Peron, Abraham Lincoln (gay) and Marie Curie tickled me too. Commercial break. I'm happy that prick Russell Crowe wasn't allowed anymore airtime to fire up my temper.

8:54 Russell Crowe breaks gay Oscar's nose after a rough trade bj in the back of a deserted alleyway. Russell Crowe spits on gay Oscar and calls him "Faggot" while he zips up his dungaroos.

8:56 Makeup! Steve Carrell and Wil Ferrell present Howard Berger with a the gay Oscar. He's so freakin' woofy! Funny bit with them wearing bad stage makeup. Men in eyeliner: GAY! And a funny comment about Russell Crowe getting into fights. Good for you John Stewart.

9:02 It's time for the nerd tech Oscars at the Hollywood Motel Six breakfast bar. One bagel per nominee thank you. Some tech geek won for best gaffer. ... gayfer that is.

9:03 Hollywood's eloquent older statesman Morgan Freeman, just stumbled over his words. I hope Catherine Keener wins for "Capote". She's like a cool, kooky chick I would have wanted my dad to date when I was a kid. Bryce thinks Rachel Weisz will win. OK. It goes without saying. The high paced frenzy of this entry allows for sloppy spelling. I hope Michelle Williams wins. And the gay gay Oscar goes to:

RachelWiesz. Bryce now thinks that Brokeback isn't going to win an acting awards whatever. The "Constant Gardner" has no gay angle I can possibly exploit here. Therefore I shun her win. Goodbye Rachel Wiesz. Your eyebrows were a little mannish looking, but not mannish enough to be considered gay, gay, gay.

9:11 Miss Lauren Bacall is discussing Film Noire dressed in a not so slimming Noire pant suit. She's really bombing. The whole audience is quiet. They totally hate her. And she's crashing and burning! OH NO. Poor Lauren Bacall! What was she talking about? Bryce loves Film Noire. He especially loves "A Touch of Evil." And on cue I touch him. Wow. Lauren Bacall totally bombed at the gay, gay, gay Oscars. She looked like an old drag queen too... as though there were any other kind.

9:15 HILARIOUS parody of Bush campaign ads. More later. Probably not actually. Moving onward.

9:19 I really wish there was some way for us non-Holloywood types to see the short films that are nominated. Here come Cherlize....

She looks sorta oily.

Documentary time. My money is on the Penguins. Just cuz everyone loved it so much.

I knew it. The filmmakers just walked on stage with stuffed animals. French guys who can't speak English very well. How horrifying for them, I'm sure.

9:23: Ew, here comes J Lo. Yikes. She looks awful. She is presenting the second song, "Into the Deep" from Crash. It sounds totally Lilith Fair-esque. The woman singing looks like Sissy Spacek in Carrie during the pig blood scene. There is fire all over the stage and an incredibly tacky faux car wreck scene with bad modern dancers. What the fuck is going on?!?!?! That song put me to sleep. God! What a bunch of boring songs this year so far.

9:28: Coming up...a surprise performance. Could it be Willie Nelson doing his "Cowboys are secretly fond of each other" song?

9:33 Art direction presented by Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves. And Memoires of a Gaysha wins. Snooze. Ok about Sandra Bullock, why is this woman a movie star? She looks like a middle school science teacher. Kind of hot, I guess. The shop teacher would have banged her. eh... This is a long post.

9:36 I see Samuel L. Jackson and I hear "genocide", "rascism" and... fade into the video montage of movies affecting social change! eh... I like the monkey montage earlier. WHAT? THEY JUST showed a clip from "The Day After Tomorrow" as an example of a movie bringing attention to the world's environmental plight? The obligatory scene from "Philadelphia".

9:41 And now the President of the Gay, Gay Oscars. "Everything we do on Film is based on the most Human of Arts; the Art of Storytelling." I take notice they're not playing music during his little speechifying. Bryce is surprised Mickey Rooney is still alive as the camera pans to him. On a side note, there are six major movies filming in New Orleans AS WE WATCH THIS SHOW! It goes without saying the craft services table is off limits to the hungry homeless still displaced by that pesky ole Hurricane.

9:44 Jeez. This thing is really on til eleven? I gotta take a break... Bryce it's all you if you want it.

9:48: Ugh. I think it will be on really late. Itzak Perlman just played all the original scores. I did really like the BBM score. I thought it had a nice leitmotif.

The score for Brokeback Mountain won. First win for the gay cowboy movie. I think this movie was amazing in how it seems to polarize everyone....including gays.

9:51: They just showed the best picture Capote clip. I haven't seen it. I love Philip Seymore Hoffman, but I wonder if I could listen to him talk like that for 2 hours. EEEK!~

Neil has quit watching the Oscars and has now begun playing video games with his brother online.

Yeah! Jake
Gyllenhunky is on now. Cute!!!! But crooked bowtie. Old films montage #567 of the night. Ha Ha. Jon Stewart is making fun of the montages.

10:01 Thanks sweetie. That was very brief. Wow. Gay, gay, gay Oscars is like a gay, gay date that has gone on too long. Cocktails before dinner was nice. You used your funniest bits to charm him. Likewise Oscar's smile took your eye early. Dinner was nice. A little political chat tossed in to show you read But dinner wore on. Conversation grew tired. You kind of just want to go home and go to bed, but your friend Foxy told you what a great lay Oscar was. So maybe you should stick with it and see what's at the end of the night... eh... Ok. Let's go for post dinner cocktails. Gay Oscar better be worth it come 11:00 p.m.

10:03 Lesbian Lily Tomlin and gay friendly Meryl Streep are presenting a funny bit in honor of Robert Altman. I think they're drunk. Are they drunk? Oh. They are making a parody of Altman's film making process? Oh well. if I were as fierce as Meryl Streep I'd get up and there and lay a turd on the stage. Perhaps that's why I'm not.

And on to montage #568 of the gay, gay, gay, gay Oscars... sigh.

Robert Altman comes on stage to accept his lifetime achievement award. I really like his films. Seeing montage #568 makes me want to go to Netflix and rent them all. My stomach hurts from the General Tso's chicken.

10:12 The close ups of the audiences faces are hilarious. At this point they're all nodding off. I'm lucky I don't have a close up on my face right now. I'm reminded I need to shave before work tomorrow. I need to put out my clothes before tomorrow. Why does Robert Altman not get the orchestra playing during his gay, gay, gay Oscar acceptance speech. Bryce asks me what I'm writing.

I'm not really sure at this point...

10:18 Bryce's take: Ugh. "It's hard out here for a pimp?" I think it's probably harder get your coochie banged by a dozen strangers a day to be quite honest.

(Not really.)

This song sucks, except for the female vocal bits. Angry black men chanting. Sounds like every other song I hear in my neighborhood. Neil thinks this performance is like a Saturday Night Live performance. I guess these guys are dressed in jeans and t-shirts because they would look weird performing this song in tuxes? I guess I just don't love most urban/hip hop music?!?

We are hoping for Dolly. She lost to the Hustle and Flow song.

Not since Elliott Smith lost to Celine Dion have I been so totally not shocked.

Ebonics overloaded acceptance speech leaves 3/4 of America scratching their heads.

10:26 Pimps lovez gold. Moving forward in this Live Blogcast of the Gay, Gay Oscars! Holy cow Jennifer Garner is totally preggers! Her boobs are huge. Bad gay Oscar, no boobs. So we're on to Sound Editing and King Kong wins. Wow these guys are nerds. It's hard out there for an audio nerd.

10:30 Gay Oscars I wish I could quit you! Now it's time for the dead Hollywood portion of the show. I pour a 40 oz on my hardwood floors in honor of Noriyuki "Pat" Morita. Wax on, Wax off my friend. Wax on, Wax off. Who else died? Anne Bancroft, Shelly Winters, Sandra Dee a whole bunch of Producers and Richard Pryor. I actually thought he died longer than a year ago.
Although we saw him alive in the audience earlier tonight, Bryce is certain Mickey Rooney died. Neither of us want to work tomorrow.

10:38 Wil Smith takes the stage, does some pointless foreign language schtik and reminds the audience and the viewing public that his role as Hollywood's young African-American go-to actor has been usurped by Terrance Howard and Jamie Foxx. Viva Africa, Viva! "Tsotsi" wins Best Foreign Language Film.

10:41 Film Editing and the Asian actress from "Memoirs of a Gaysha" give the award too the "Crash" editor. Zzz

10:44 Hilary Swank (who has totally stolen the role of Hollywood's most mannish actress from Jennifer Garner) and suddenly we're at Best Actor! G'mon Gay Oscar! Don't fail me now!!!! Wow there's some big guns up for this award. And the Gay, gay, GAY Oscar goes to:
PHILIP SEYMORE HOFFMAN! He's a great actor, but he's got the speechifying charisma of Peter Jackson (pre-weight loss) and Michael Moore rolled into one sweaty, trembly ball. For God's sake Philip, stop putting that card infront of your face!

You told me I looked like Philip Seymore Hoffman earlier today!

Oh whatever. I didn't mean it in a bad way...

10:54 John Travolta is here to give an award for cinematography. Bryce says with certainty it will be "Brokeback Mountain". I'm partial to Wally Fister for "Batman Begins", if only for the guy's name. We're both wrong. "Memoirs of a Gaysha" wins. Thats easily the 20th technical award for this movie and atleast the 5th audience pan of a winner's Asian wife/girlfriend/concubine.

10:57 Jaime Foxx takes the stage. Time for Lead Actress. We both love Dame Judi. We both hope Felicity Huffman wins. C'mon, c'mon! I think Reese is gonna win... wow, there's some great performances here. And the kinda gay Oscar goes to:
REESE WITHERSPOON! I'm pleased, but man I wanted Felicity Huffman to win. Reese thanks the writer for creating a role who is a "real woman". Is that a unintentional jab at Felicity's role? Do I care at this point? Is anyone still reading this? Bryce doesn't want to blog anymore. Aww. Reese Witherspoon is totally America's sweetheart now.

11:06: I am happy that Reese won. I think she's totally awesome. Here comes Dustin Hoffman! I love Dustin Hoffman. Tootsie, Midnight Cowboy, Kramer vs. Kramer.
Any relation to Philip Seymour? Doubtful.

Best Adapted Screenplay...if Dustin ever gets on with it. Tony Kushner wrote Munich? Another gay. Brokeback Mountain wins. No big surprised. Larry McMurtrey is wearing blue jeans. Tacky. The gays are taking over Hollywood.

11:13 I just had a "crash moment". 11:14 and Crash win for Best Original Screenplay. How many of these Hollywood heathens are going to have to spend eternity not in the burning fires of damnation but in a never ending award ceremony...

11:17 Tom Hanks is here to present Director! Finally. And the Oscar goes to:
ANG LEE!!!! Brokeback Mountain's director gives a "I wish I knew how to quit you" joke to his shiny Oscar. Stop being coy Ang. Kiss Oscar on the mouth. And now we have ANOTHER audience pan to a winner's Asian wife/girlfriend. He gives a shout out in a language I don't understand and suddenly I have a hankering for more General Tso's.

11:22 Jack Nicholson and the Best Motion Picture of the Year! C'mon Gay, Gay, Gay Oscar!
and the Oscar goes to!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CRASH! Oh my god. ... hmm... I'm bummed out. The entire audience is up on their feet. Crash moment indeed. Oh well. Race relations beat out gay awareness tonight.

Gay, gay, gay Oscar has been living on the Down-Low. Who knew?

I want to thank all of my readers. I wouldn't be writing this at 11:25 if it wasn't for all of your support. I want to thank my mom who bought me a computer. I want to thank Ms. Anderson, my ninth grade typing teacher. I especially need to thank my pardner, Plastic Music, who without his love and support, I'd neither have the stamina to blog all evening, nor the delicious chinese food. There's so many other people to thank. Oh wait, I also need to thank--

Gayest Neil is ushered off stage as the orchestra swells. Goodnight.


Aaron said...

This was certainly better than the actual Academy Awards.

Foxy said...

Penalty, two uses of the word "woofy", 20 yards.

buff said...

Neil, I would never penalize you for your double use of "WOOFY".

Except for Reese winning, I couldn't agree with you more.

Great blog post. A play by play Oscar moment. Thanks for sharing.

Mark said...

I'm exhausted all over again just reading it. Of course i wasn't particularly sober while I watched, so this has been a handy little reminder of the agony that watching it was.