January 18, 2006

K-Fed Koma

MORGANTOWN, West Virginia (Dandywire) -- More than two weeks after surviving a coal mine explosion and 40 hours trapped underground, Kevin Federline is awakening from his coma, his neurosurgeon said on Wednesday.

"He is opening his eyes," said Dr. Cracker McSmackie, chairman of neurosurgery at Yee-Haw Memorial Hospital. "He has purposeful movements. He responds to his family in slight ways. He moves all extremities."

McSmackie said Federline remains in a "light coma."

Asked how Federline could have survived so long in the mine, his physician Dr. Rascal "Moonshine" Jenkins said, "I think it may start with a miracle. That and K-Fed's dope, mad skillz."

A Federline family spokeswoman said the rapper/miner's family is heartened by the news.

"Britney was at Scores til 8 a.m. partying with Lyndsey Lohan. Their baby long ago turned purple and suffocated in its crib," she told reporters. "And they are encouraged by the news. Well, all except the baby. What was its name again?"

Because he may be among the longest known surviving victims of carbon monoxide poisoning, Dr. McSmackie said, "we are, in many ways, in uncharted territory in terms of predicting his record sales. But again we remain cautiously optimistic. Who are we kidding?"

Federline and 12 other rapper/miners were trapped January 2 after an explosion in West Virginia's Sago Mine, and rescuers did not reach them for 41 hours.

Federline suffered a collapsed lung, dehydration and carbon monoxide poisoning, which killed the 12 others.

"It has been only within the past several days that he has opened his beady, weasel-like eyes -- at first only when he was stimulated by repeated playings of "Ice, Ice, Baby" ... but now it's spontaneous. He goes crazy when he hears a cymbal and a hi-hat with a souped up tempo. He's on a roll. He's ready to go solo." McSmackie said.

"Now if you call his name, he will open his eyes.. He might track family members and they might believe that he has some level of connectivity with them. Much more connectivity than when K-Fed was not in a coma. We're still waiting for any family members to show up, however."

"If you put a piece of ice, ice, baby in his mouth he will take it and move it around with his tongue and swallow it and chew it and swallow it," he said.

"These are, we think, very important signs, perhaps, of an emergence of something greater. But we don't want to give false hope and we know that there is still a long way to go to bringing K-Fed back to his wicked fresh, dope rhymez," McSmackie said.

"Many people with severe carbon monoxide poisoning end up with severe cognitive, personality, memory, visual, motor response" problems, he said. "Luckily, K-Fed possessed such qualities prior to his poisoning. I think the prospect of recovery is good."

Federline was moved out of the intensive care shed at the hospital about two days ago. Dr. McSmackie said the rapper/miner is still undergoing dialysis for a alcohol related kidney damage he suffered while on tour with his wife. K-Fed is breathing on his own and tolerating "medicinal" supplements being given to him through a smoking tube, he said.

K-Fed's wife, Britney, attended the memorial service and was the first of the rapper/miners' families to light 13 candles of honor. She then stripped to a mesh thong and writhed atop the memorial with an 17 foot long anaconda.

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