Dandystrology

Astrology. The word alone conjures so many reactions among those not blessed with the sight. When I mention I’m an astrologer… oh? I didn’t tell you? Well perhaps if you’d stop talking about yourself then I’d be able to get a word in edgewise. “My mother has brain tumors. Sob, sob, sob. Blah, blah, blah.”

Where was I? Yes. I’m the newly appointed astrologist for luminary publication HX Magazine. Not sure what it stands for… hustler extravaganza? Oh I jest! HX Magazine is a wonderful weekly magazine and her editor has long known of my thaumaturlogical talents.

I’ve been a practicing occultist since the age of three.

People often say “Gayest Neil are you a witch?” Why heavens no! There is so much drama infused into the word witch. That and I have no vagina. Nor am I a warlock nor a pagan. I’m merely an occultist.

The occult arts flourished during the high point of my people’s reign in proper society. Dandy circles during the 1800s were awash with the mystical discoveries of ancient Egypt and the Far East. African trinkets such as shrunken heads and virility horns were indispensable to any Dandy’s social attire. My very own dandy muse, Oscar Wilde, was a practitioner of the occult and is said to have even written an entire book from beyond the grave!

Oscar Wilde wrote his last book twenty-four years after his death. The book, entitled Oscar Wilde from Purgatory: Psychic Messages, was edited by Hester Travers Smith, the medium who received the messages while in a trance and inscribed them through the process known as "automatic writing." The book's publication occasioned a lively exchange of letters in the spiritualist journal Occult Review, in which Sir Arthur Conan Doyle and his opponent, C. W. Soal, debated the connection between the identity of the writer and the textual persona of the author.

Indeed! So very occult. Now those of you with any smattering of interest or knowledge in the mystical arts may argue that astrology and the occult are two separate forms of extra-physical science. I agree. Astrology is a more tranquil endeavor whereas the occult exhibits more a sense of macabre drama.

For example, just the other night I was performing an exorcism of my dear friend Reynard’s poodle, Madame Crepes Suzette. Unfortunately I approached the endeavor from completely the wrong angle. I thought the little dog was possessed by Reynard’s deceased cat Fluff-Bunny.

Little did I know that poor Suzette had actually been cursed by the dark magick of Reynard’s vindictive former housekeeper! That is why all of my employees go through a thorough blessing, swearing their fealty to me and not some other malevolent entity. The exorcism turned blessing of the little dog proved quite stressful and a more difficult chore than I had anticipated

Poor Madame Crepes Suzette. Reynard says she's recovering, but the ordeal has left her completely shaven and too nervous to consume her exclusive raw meat diet.

It’s much too distasteful to discuss in this forum. Suffice it to say, I have a tremendous background in the occult arts and the astrological sciences. Therefore it is with euphoria that I depart on my voyage into the celestial sea of published prophecy. I feel it will be an intimate journey full of disovery and love.

Be certain to find yourself a copy of HX Magazine this weekend and heed my advice!