January 26, 2005

Presented in Queeriovision

The conservative magnifying glass has focused more intently on children’s programming lately with homophobic accusations tossed at (clearly queer) beloved cartoon character Spongebob Squarepants and, more recently the Public Broadcasting Service.

U.S. Education Secretary Margaret Spellings blasted PBS for secretly supporting the “gay agenda” through its children’s programming. The episode in question, "Sugartime!" passively refers to a lesbian couple who are maple sugar farmers in Vermont.

Ms. Spellings has no conceivable notion just how deeply the gay agenda has infiltrated children’s television and videos.

“Sugartime!” and Spongebob are only two of nearly a million programs featuring gay themes discretely slipped into children's content. Red state parents, I now give you a tiny glimpse into the power of the queer media and the insidious programming that homosexuals have in store for your impressionable children.

BEAVERS FOREVER: An empowering tale of a “worst to first” all-girl’s high school basketball team, the Beavers, who face down financial and gender adversity and discover they don’t need boys for anything. The Beavers raise enough money to go to the State finals and win!
Morgan, the team captain, wins the heart of the head cheerleader, Susie, when she asks her out to the prom. On top of it all, the young ladies rock out to a surprise prom concert given by the Indigo Girls.

MORRIS AND BRAWNY'S CUB COTTAGE: Morris and Brawny are bears. Bears live in the woods. Bears don't wear a lot of clothes and tend to sniff as many other bears as “bearly” possible. Parent's complain cause the cartoon "bears" aren't even bears, just horny, chubby gay men with beards.

SUSIE 2 THE MAX: A Claymation special starring Susie, a teacup voiced by Mario Cantone, and Max, a hammer voiced by Lea Delaria. The two live in a giant loft apartment in beautiful Chelsea, New York where they explore the neighborhood with Devon (voiced by Neil Patrick Harris); their single, educated, witty owner who has a large disposable income and really nice furniture. Devon's mother, (voiced by Cher) constantly asks him why he has no girlfriend yet compliments him on his interior design skills.

TINY TYKES TINA TIME: Preschoolers learn from Francisco, a swishy Latino drug lord, how to count in Spanish with the help of song and dance and gay party drug, crystal-meth. The kids keep counting and counting and counting and dancing and dancing and dancing. One memorable scene features a four year-old boy shrieking "This shit is better than Kool-aid!" With a running time of four days and six hours this special is sure to make your kids want a siesta, eventually.

TINKY WINKY AND CHARLES NELSON REILLY HAPPY HAPPY FUN HOUR: He’s baaack. Before Spongebob there was Tinky Winky! Tinky giggles and teaches basic shapes in this colorful Japanese import while a digitally remastered Charles Nelson Reilly drinks martinis and complains about his lousy life. Parents didn't like the occasional guest appearances by John Cameron Mitchell of “Hedwig and the Angry Inch” fame as Chronasylestria - a time traveling, drag queen crime-solver who can only transport herself by exposing her genitalia.

Parents, you’ve been warned.

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