January 24, 2005

Alias of the CIA

‘Alias’ is back for its fourth year with an unconventional winter launch and, following tradition, an unconventional plot twist to kick off the season. The popular television series follows the adventures of Sydney Bristow, a super spy who can change outfits as quickly as she can disarm a bomb. Sydney is played by Jennifer Garner.

In a move that will stun regular viewers of the series, Sydney and her fellow CIA agents are moved into a secret black-ops unit run by none other than Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. Rumsfeld is a fictional character coincidentally named after present Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld and coincidentally played by Donald Rumsfeld.

“J.J. [Abrams] called me down in the laboratory bunker beneath the Washington Mall. He said he’d heard I had experience running a secret team of international super spies. I said I couldn’t confirm anything, but that I might know something of the subject. We met for brunch, looked over some scripts and I signed on to be the new mastermind of the team. It’s rather straight forward. Why are you asking so many questions, huh?”

Entertain Me Weakly escaped chemical interrogation and spoke with producer Abrams about the casting coup. “Rumsfeld has the authenticity that you can’t find in any actor, not Connery, not Hopkins, not Shatner, no one. The Donald Rumsfeld on ‘Alias’ is a mastermind in control of a black ops unit that works above the law. Only Donald Rumsfeld has the gravitas to play this Donald Rumsfeld.

Unfortunately, fans of Arvin Sloane, formerly the mastermind and Sydney’s archenemy, will be seeing less of the character, although he will be staying on with the show.

“Sloane will now be the janitor.” Ron Rifken, the actor who portrays the former mastermind had little else to say about the casting change, other than, “First ‘Leaving L.A.’, now this. Great. Fucking great. My career is ruined.”

Announcement of the show’s new format comes amidst actual political accusation that Donald Rumsfeld has actually been running a beefed up intelligence squad under the jurisdiction of the Pentagon ever since the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001.

Fact or fiction, this season of Alias is already shaping up to be one of the best yet and Donald Rumsfeld certainly can’t hurt. Unless you are a naked Iraqi prisoner in a filthy prison cell and he wants to get some info out of you. Then yeah, he’d hurt like Hell, but otherwise it shouldn’t.

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