November 08, 2004

Grudge Match

I went to that new Buffy the Vampire Slayer movie and halfway through found out it wasn’t a Buffy movie. It was just little pig-faced Sarah Michelle Gellar being chased around by this psycho Japanese bitch tossed in with a black cat meowing, a lot.

You owe me $10.50, Sarah Michelle Gellar! I can’t believe it’s not a Buffy the Vampire Slayer movie. The whole time I’m screaming, “Buffy, stab her with a stake! Stab her! Get holy water, bitch! Oh Lord! Run girl! RUN!”

But instead tiny Sarah just stood there emoting with her tiny fingertips barely sticking out of her oversized beige sweater. And what’s up with that? I’m certain this woman doesn’t have arms. Instead she has a collection of oversized sweaters with little fingertips attached to the ends.
“I’m so petite. Look how dainty I am. My hands don’t show.” It makes me wonder if all that kickboxing on Buffy may have given her a serious case of man-hands. It’s not outside the realm of possibility.

And these ghosts: oh geez. What do the Japanese find so scary about a screaming Japanese bitch with long black hair hanging in front of her eyes? First it was the crazy bitch in 2002’s The Ring, and now this crazy bitch chasing everyone.


Upstairs, down the street, into their house, in their bed, on the train, out the door, around the attic. And she don’t even just run. She slumps, jostles and sometimes simply tumbles down staircases.

Gayest Neil would be like, “OK. Crazy Japanese bitch with your long, black wig (already worn by the scarier Japanese ghost bitch in The Ring, ok exactly, thank you) I got to take a second and drink some wine cause you chasing me everywhere has shot my last nerve.”

And she’d slump there and look angry and I’d sip my wine and then I’d finish and she could chase me back up the stairs. Lord, here we go again.
I just wanted Sarah Michelle Gellar to kick something. Come on girlfriend punch her! Put those little fingertips to use. But no good. And all around her, everyone got killed by the ghost girl and all she could do is cry.

Sarah? Want some advice sweetness. If you aren’t going to play Buffy then you better run as far as possible from the scary, spooky genre. I mean fast, as fast as that Japanese ghost woman was chasing you around. If you aren’t going to be chopping, punching, burning or staking your demons, no one wants to see you up there with them.

Find yourself some nice romantic comedies, maybe a little period piece. Avoid any dialects though! Do something kooky. Play a handicap. Prostetics are the rage nowadays and might get you’re an Academy nod.

Put those man-hands to use by playing a transvestite hooker during the Civil War era and fall in love with a midget only to be mistaken for General Robert E. Lee. (Harvey call me. That could be big!) But whatever you don’t let a vampire in that movie. We have to believe that you’re the character and simply not Buffy.

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