Election Misdirection

Today our proud nation elects our 44th President. Or the fat people in the middle states will re-elect Bush and yours truly will be writing this column from a gay internment camp within, oh I’d say, two years, (‘cause four more years equals no more queers).

I’m truly unnerved regarding today’s election. I’ve swallowed three nerve pills and I fear I’m not much more for consciousness. In my fleeting moments of lucidity I will attempt to prove there’s so much more teetering on the results of the election not only for gays, like me, but for all of America, like you.

The French (and by way of the world): Cheese, fashion, little dogs, the guillotine and Jean-Pierre Jeunet. The French have given us so much.

It’s time we repaid our debt. And you think they’re snooty now? Just wait until Bush is re-elected. But it’s not only them. The entire world hates Bush! Everyone from Austria to Zimbabwe hates him. We have to think global and act local here people.

Gayest Neil’s College Fund: Every year I send dozens of aspiring queer, youth web columnists to junior colleges across America as part of my college fund: W.R.I.T.E.F.A.G.G.O.T.W.R.I.T.E. (Whatever, Reach Inside, Type Everything Frightening And Gay, Get Over-Traumatized When Remembering Incidents, Terrorize Exes). With Bush in power I won’t have the resources to continue this program which to date has resulted in six dorm room overdoses and three suicides. Hey, writing is the stuff of darkness, mister! It’s not for the weak-willed.

No more Reality TV: Yes Middle America. If you vote for Bush you’ll lose your reality television. You’ll never know what happens when you put assholes together in a condo and watch them sit and yell at each other. You’ll never know which girl married which guy after making out with him in the hot tub that night they all got drunk for the camera. You’ll never know which aspiring model/actress ate the goat’s brains for money. You’ll never know what happened when the sassy black mom was forced to live with the preppy white family and for God’s sake you’ll never see Paris Hilton interacting with rednecks ever, ever again. (There that should up Kerry’s numbers by at least 2%).

Dirty Orange Jumpsuits with No Heads: We don’t need anymore of them. But more and more will pop up, err slump over, if you vote for Bush. Go ahead and give into terrorism. It’s ok. Kerry will get us out of Iraq and we can build a giant wall around our country and be safe from the men with swords and planes.

Bill Clinton: The future Secretary General of the United Nations, William Jefferson Clinton, needs Kerry in office to become Mr. Secretary General. To be president of the world you gotta have the president of the world’s strongest nation in your corner. Unfortunately Bush doesn’t like ole Bubba too much. So vote for Kerry so we can see more of Bill Clinton.

Unicorns: These mythic beasts, who only eat from the hands of a young virgin girl, don’t support George Bush. Bush’s radical, anti-environment agenda has put America’s Unicorn population again on the endangered species list. The Republican’s would argue that Bush’s teenage abstinence programs have created more virgins to protect and cherish these kind creatures, but in truth these unwitting girls are simple pawns in Cheney’s black market Unicorn horn trade. If you love Unicorns, vote for Kerry.

Barbituates: Ambien and Nyquil is an interesting cocktail. Perhaps when this is all over I’ll sleep better without the aid of my pharmacist. Goodnight and happy Election 2004…