Beantown Queen

Hello delegates, respected politicians and fellow Democrats! It is my honor speaking here at the 2004 Democratic National Convention. On behalf of all gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered, and pre-opt transgendered Americans, I want to thank you for having me, Gayest Neil, here as our national representative. And thank you, Boston!

I love your baked beans, tea parties and those beautiful Irish boys.

Sure, he’ll let you suck him off behind the trashcans, but don’t say you love him or he’ll punch you in the larynx. Boston’s kind of like that: “Come spend your money, but we’re locking you freaks behind razor wire.”

When I stepped out of my limo, I noticed the snipers on the rooftop. I turned to Deidre, my volunteer contact and asked, “What are those dreadful guns there for? I’m faint of bullets.”

Fast as a firecracker she replied “They’re tranquilizer darts, sir. Just in case Ted Kennedy takes to the streets after Happy Hour.”

Isn’t she wonderful? Applause for Deidre. Teddy, you lush, I’m just ribbing you! Jello-shots, my suite, 2:00am? Perfect!

And isn’t that what this whole damned affair is about? People of different religions, backgrounds and colors: a rainbow tray of green, blue, red, yellow, pink jello-shots. We’re all wobbling side by side in this great big country.

Sure, the vast moderate Democrats can’t understand a word I’m saying right now. They only see me waving my hands and wearing a woman’s hat. They wish the gays would just shut up and stop weighing down the party, stop scaring away the moderate Republicans.

YOU NEED OUR VOTES

We gays wish you Democrats would accept our lifestyle. We’re supporting a political party that’s not going to give us equal rights! In fact, you are openly committed against giving us the right to marry, simply even giving us the word “married”. We’ll be secondary citizens under you! Yet we accept it.

When I was a little boy, my grandfather told me a Southern bedtime story about a little country mouse. She was out gathering food for her little baby mice: soft corn, sweet berries and crunchy pecans. Suddenly she heard a rattler shaking his tail. She ran away but saw a red-tailed hawk blocking her way. Either die a fast death by venomous fangs or get ripped to bloody shreds by red-hawk talons?

Well, she chose the rattler and as the poison killed her she thought about her babies starving to death. I had nightmares for six months.

That’s the situation we gays are in. Shot in the knee or the head? But ours is a symbiotic relationship, because the alternative is a political agenda neither of us, the Democrats or the Gays, could live with. But we’re not here to vilify the villains. We’re here to celebrate our heroes. Ladies and gentlemen, let’s here it for Barbara Streisand! Oh Babs, you are one Liberal, crazy yenta. Garcon, turn down the lights and cue the music… thank you…

People,
People who need people,
Are the luckiest people in the world
We're children, needing other children
And yet letting a grown-up pride
Hide all the need inside
Acting more like children than children
Lovers are very special people
They're the luckiest people in the world
With one person one very special person
A feeling deep in your soul
Says you were half now you're whole
No more hunger and thirst
But first be a person who needs people
People who need people
Are the luckiest people in the world
With one person one very special person
No more hunger and thirst
But first be a person who needs people
People who need people
Are the luckiest people in the world...

Thank you everyone. Oh stop! We are the luckiest people in the world because that very special person is John Kerry.

He may not be as pretty as John Edwards or as lefty as Howard Dean. Madonna didn’t support him like she did Wesley Clark. And he’s not as kick-ass as Hillary Clinton. Oops, my mistake. (Hillary didn’t run this year. Too bad sugar, you missed your window.)

He’s a little bit of each of those Jello-shots churned together. Texas Lone Star. Georgia Peach Schnapps. California Cabernet. Wisconsin Pabst Blue Ribbon. He’s all of America and he makes us all feel damn good. Maybe a little too much of a good thing makes us sick. We might blackout and wake up with a headache, but moderation is key, be it alcoholism or politics - usually both.

As a gay man second and an American first, I, Gayest Neil support John Kerry as President of the United States. And I know queer America feels the same. Garcon?

People,
People who need people,
Are the luckiest people in the world...

Thank you and goodnight Boston!