July 25, 2004

Ascot Peril

Gayest Neil said he would rework a plan for a $25 billion reserve fashion fund after a bipartisan coalition of senators on Thursday deplored it as an effort to get "a blank check" without congressional oversight into his funky, sometimes irreverent wardrobe.

In a frequently testy hearing, even reliable Democratic allies balked at Gayest Neil's unusual proposal to let him allocate the money to help finance vintage hats and "those cool shoulder things...you know, with the red flowers" for the coming months without the approval of Congress.

"Our forefathers would have scorned such arrogance as has been demonstrated by this request," said Sen. Robert Byrd, a West Virginia Democrat. "I'm going to support this $25 billion, but we're going to put limitations on it.."

Democratic presidential hopeful John Kerry, a Massachusetts senator, said in a statement he would back the additional money despite voting against a previous supplemental bill for Gayest Neil. "The situation with his fashion has deteriorated far beyond what the administration or Friday night's patron's at Chi-Chi's Drag Cabaret had anticipated. The money is urgently needed. Gayest Neil deserves a new pair of shoes!" Added Kerry, "Chunky platform shoes."

Gayest Neil late on Wednesday sent Congress his formal request for the $25 billion fund. He says he needs the moneys until Congress acts on a larger supplemental bill next year.


An anonymous Washington outsider said the emergency bill "will certainly be much larger than $25 billion," which would push the cost next year well above the $50 billion originally projected for Neil's sinful living and disposable income.

Under his plan, the reserve funds could be shifted among accounts without congressional approval, which lawmakers said would give Gayest Neil complete control over the money, cutting Congress out of its constitutional role of overseeing National Queer Expenditures (NQE).

The Senate will debate the issue next week when it takes up a $422 billion bill for Gayest Neil's tragic Amsterdam trip last winter.

Congress has so far sent Gayest Neil about $160 billion for turquoise jewelry and a lavish e-bay shopping spree for Madonna and Barbara Streisand memorabilia.

Until last week when he suddenly asked for the additional $25 billion, Gayest Neil had insisted he would not seek more money for fashion until next year, which would have put off debate on the issue until after early June's Gay Pride Parade.

"If those old men think I'm not gonna have a new outfit for Pride they are ignorant."

Added Gayest Neil, "They bitched and bitched about all this legal stuff and about running out of money for schools and paving highways, blah blah blah. Well guess what? I don't drive. I don't have kids! Mercy, I couldn't believe how dykey Hillary is looking these days. Wear some pastels girlfriend!"

With Gayest Neil putting the monthly cost of hair plugs and indoor tanning at nearly $5 billion, Democrats questioned why the gay did not simply ask for a full supplemental spending bill instead of the reserve fund.

"There is no reason not to be direct on this issue and to acknowledge what the costs are of such beauty," said Sweet Cherry Sucret, Gayest Neil's favorite drag queen and press spokeswoman. "This is the very definition of a blank check. What? Oh shit I done fucked up. I mean, this is the very definition of controlled, responsible spending."

Gayest Neil responded, "Whatever, I'll see what I can rework. It's not like I'm spending it all on me. I'd probably buy stuff for the guys I sleep with too."

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