March 08, 2007

Sanchez Moi

Matt Sanchez turned me gay!

Or was it Rod Majors? Or Pierre von Cockenstein? Or Donkey Dick Chainey?

So many pseudonyms for a straight man.

Oh, Matt Sanchez. You were one of the first erotic film stars to which this developing dandy dutifully diddled daily. My online boyfriend, Jason, mailed you to me in a college era care package consisting of a t-shirt, a few hand written love letters and a Kristen Bjorn video starring: YOU!

You were known by your French nom de saucisson. I remember thinking, a French-Hispanic hustler; this IS an exotic, erotic adventure; good for Mr. Bjorn and his multi-cultural casting. Brava!

I’m embarrassed to admit: I’m still uncertain as to which actor you were exactly. Were you the manhandled mounty (mounted is more like it) or the horny hunter?

I so rarely look at the faces in those kinds of films. I could not miss the faces of your cast mates, however, lodged as they were squarely on either side of your casting coup, grunting and smooching and very much turning me gay, gay, gay, gay.

Mr. Sanchez you turned me gay! How many other impressionable, sexually curious college juniors have you turned gay: tens, dozens, trillions!?

You’re a college junior yourself, at 36. This gives you even more access to impressionable, sexually confused college juniors (strangely like yourself) to turn gay.

… … Oh my, it has suddenly dawned on me.

Mr. Sanchez. We are the same!

You are me, but from 11 years ago and with a much better body and Latino and hated by all of gay America and with a way, way, way, waaaaaaaaay smaller penis. I think so.

I don’t hate you Rod Majors. I don’t hate you Pierre Blah Blah Blah. I don’t hate you Dirty Sanchez.

I applaud you for your continuing efforts turning America’s college juniors gay. It’s people like you, with your constant efforts in the male erotica empire, who make gays like me possible.

If not for your starring roles, how many of us would be trapped in unhappy marriages; stranded in trailer parks across the Midwest? Sure, they’d be tastefully appointed trailers, nonetheless your efforts sent so many of us fleeing to the gay ghettos of Chelsea and Castro and the homo homesteads of West Hollywood and …

Well, there’s no where else.

I salute you Mr. Gay Porno Republican Guy! You may hang out with Republicans – oh scratch that. You may have once hanged out with Republicans. (Psst, they don’t want you anymore), but be assured you’ll always have a home with – oh, damn, scratch that too. You really aren’t much wanted by the gays, either.

Damn Mr. Sanchez. You’ve kind of burned your bridges in both camps. Sorry, dude!

I’m sure you can make porn again… But that weird kind of porn that’s more freak-show-snuff-porn than the upscale, international porn you used to do.

Anyways, thanks!


evilganome said...

I just passed hot tea through my nose! Ow. It was worth it.

Dalyn said...

this neil, is why i love you.