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I’m hilarious.

Seriously, I’m the funniest person I’ve ever written for.

But there are times … darker times, like when I’m feeling a little blue, kind of alone, and I’ve stress-eaten a half dozen Hostess cupcakes and I’m not showering or taking my medications or even speaking or wearing clothes for weeks. Well, sometimes I just can’t pound out the same zany level of outrageous OH-MY-GOD-did-he-just-write-what-I-think-he-wrote-oh-he-did-because-its-written-and-I-can-read-it-again-and-verify-that-he-DID-write-what-I-thought-he-wrote-in-the-first-place-OMG-LMAO-ROFL entries on my usually incredibly popular and highly commented upon web-blog.

Its times like that especially when I find refuge in the many other popular blogs that litter the virtual landscape. Sometimes I’m just happy forgetting about my own blog and exist simply to make someone else’s blog better by posting LOL-worthy comments.

And I post a lot of comments on other people’s blogs. On one very popular blog alone, last month I posted 47,283 comments, over half of them exceeding two thousand words in length.

Of course I don’t have time to write my own blog; I’m too busy writing everyone else’s! LOL ROFL LMAO LOL WTF?

Recently, in my flights fantastical across the inter-web, I discovered an online contest held by bloggers for bloggers to determine which bloggers have the best blog!

The notion took me back to 1989. I remember an afternoon in fifth grade spent with Mr. Stephanie, the audio/visual teacher. I had to watch his “edgy” homemade video about redneck ninjas and assure him it was “art”. As a result, he assured me that I was “smart” and “with-it” and “handsome” and had “nicely developing calves”; all requisites to spend late afternoons alone with him as part of our elementary school’s A/V club.

Win-win situation! But back to the blog awards:

I eagerly reviewed the many listings for a Best Comment category. Certainly by now someone will have noticed my tireless efforts and awarded me with a nomination in the rapidly growing, cutthroat world of Blog Commentary.

Nothing.

Not only was I not nominated, there wasn’t even a single category for Best Comment to be found on the entire contest. Can you believe that? I was once chosen as an editor’s pick for a comment on Salon.Com, for crying out loud; an EDITOR’S PICK and on Salon.com! Sheesh. Where would blogs be without their reader’s comments? Where would I be without my commenting? I tell you where: lonely, stuffed with cupcakes, unwashed and naked. That’s where!

So in the spirit of making up awards and awarding those who make stuff up, I hereby present to you, my loyal readers, the First Annual Commentitties!

All this week, I’m going to search the internet for the best comments, some of them may not even be mine. Once we have five finalists I’ll bring them to you and we can vote.

And by we I do mean I. I'll be the sole judge and jury. But feel free to send me your submissions. Suddenly I'm Mr. Stephanie, and your comments are a trembling eleven year old desperate for any replacement of his absentee father figure.

Fun! Maybe I’ll even develop subcategories, like Most Poignant, Angriest Comment and The Worst of the “Firsts!”

Stay posted. The Commentitties are on their way!