Splendead in Your Coffee?

What did I miss? Did the FDA release a dreadful report on my favorite chemical coffee sweetener, Splenda? I only ask because I’ve received four back-to-back Splendagrams this morning.

The first came in the form of a letter from Splenda the organizer of Shitkickers, the lesbian cowgirl party at Cattyshack. But I get these emails all the time. So no heed paid.

The second struck as I tore that distinctive yellow pouch and a harpy in the coffee line tsked at me. She freakin’ tsked at me! Then she turned to her friend and loudly whispered, “Don’t use the Splenda. Didn’t you hear?”

The third was at Salon.com while perusing the letters to the editor section of an article written by a formerly 571 pound woman. I mostly prefer the submitted letters, if only for their speling and grammar errors. I read this: at what weight can I try to lecture you on the dangers of Splenda?

And the fourth portent (in less than an hour) was a blurb written at Television Without Pity: Ah, Keith Michael, we've waited for this day. Not just for you, but for all those jerky designers in need of a heaping helping of comeuppance. How sweet it was. I shouldn't have to ask, but that was made with Splenda, right?

WHAT IS GOING ON?! Have my little, lemon-hued packets become the scourge of coffee drinkers everywhere?

Let’s go to Wikipedia and find out. Certainly some diligent cyber-darling has updated the listing, lest the rest of us be unaware…

Hmmm. Checking it out.

Well. First off this shit is called Sucralose. That is not a very sexy or sugary name. Sucralose. It doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue. What does this shit do to your body?

Science, science, science, blah, blah, blah, oooooh a link called Criticism. Lets go there!

Wow! There’s been no long term studies of the effect of Splenda on humans. Even more scandalous. There’s a website: The Truth About Splenda. I’m feeling so Erin Brokovich right now.

OK. The Truth About Splenda looks fairly manipulative. Here we have a precocious, pigtailed girly-girl regarding a plate of cookies with horror. Sorry, don’t buy it. You can put poop cookies infront of a child and they’re going to devour one. Especially if the child is 571 pounds.

But I’m piqued nonetheless. Moving on in this Diary of a Contemporary Dandy Special Investigation: Splenda Less Than Splendid.

The website mentions chlorine and sucralose again, something about sucralose being made of chlorine. Blah, blah, science, science. I really want to get to photos of people suffering long term effects here. Like this photo of a tumor that grew on someone's throat after he smoked cigarettes.

What else?

Hmmm. This website reads like it was written by the Sweet N Low's CEO. So apparently there have been no long term tests of Splenda on humans, but then again there’s been no evidence sucralose is bad for you.

They admit that much. I don't understand. Over and over this website stresses that Splenda is not sugar and that it is a chemical.

I was already well aware of that. Is there a problem here? So much of my diet consists of chemicals as it is. Without chemicals, would the brawny chicken gracing my plate be as muscley? Would my celery be as lush and stalky? How ever would my face keep such a healthy glow?

Chemicals pumped into our bodies is as much a part of our rich, American heritage as Freedom of Speech, drunk starlettes or air conditioned porta pottys. I'm actually quite dizzy from my coffee and lack the wit to neatly end this investigation.