April 26, 2006

Who are you?

I am Sahara Sunsabre. I am a 49th level warrior-priestess and leader of the Falcon Guild in the nation of Fylledria. I am the fairest of races, the Fire Elves. My people have defended these enchanted forests from the vile Serpentes Hoardes for three millennia. I vow to personally slay their wicked leader, Ssslitheron by my own mystikal blade. I’m so hot. I’m totally stacked too. I love my bikini plate mail armor. And I have some killer combos. I have nineteen costume-mods too. More than anyone I know. One with purple hair going all the way down my back. Been busy grinding out a new sword enchantment. Not fighting many Ssserpents today.

I am Tyler Sneed. I’m 35 and divorced. I’m dating, well seeing, a girl named Mandy. She’s pretty nice. I think on Sunday we’re gonna go on a movie date, something romantic. I also have a daughter, her name is Princess Diana. Everyone always asks, “You named her after Princess Di? That’s so nice.” Duh. Yes, she’s named after a Princess Diana, but not the British one. Geez. My Princess Diana is Amazonian. She’s named after Wonder Woman. Duh! She’s in my bedroom eating her breakfast. I went to Mickey D’s this morning and then played some Sword Quest Online. I play a sweet elf chick. Hopefully I can upgrade her sword this morning. I have this blog about her and make little web movies starring Sahara killing stuff. I get ok hits, nothing big. Whatelse? Oh, yeah, I totally want to see that new horror film about the little girl with no mouth on Sunday. I think Mandy will like it. What’s it called?

I am "Princess" Diana Sneed and I am nine and a half. Why thank you all for coming to my breakfast. Miss Betsy Wetsy don’t spill your tea. And Mr. Beary Tuggins, you seem beary cross this morning. Would you like some of my hashbrown Mr. Beary Tuggins? Ding-Dong! Why everyone, we have another guest arriving. Hello Frogshow, welcome to my tea party. Would you like juice? I wish daddy would come for tea. Frogshow, you brought biscuits! How delightful.

I am Beary Tuggins and it’s a beary stupid frickin day! I’m trapped at this beary stupid tea party with her royal dimwit and the bladder-challenged Betsy and (lucky me) Mr. Show Business Frog himself managed to get here late and he’s got cookies. How beary thoughtful of him. Show-off. Jesus! Every single day we have a frckin’ tea party. Why can’t we go to the park or maybe even a ride in the car? She takes Betsy everywhere and all I hear about is how beary beautiful everything is and how bad she’s got to take a pee. I’m sick of this! I’m feeling beary, beary anxious. I want to rip my stuffing out. But that wouldn’t be beary polite for such a social gathering I suppose. Man I need a cigarette, but I’d probably go up in flames. “Made in America” my fuzzy ass! Maybe I should start drinking rum.

I am Jiang Li Ju. I am 68. I am staying at a hospice in Tsim Sha Tsui in Hong Kong. I will die here. My son, Jan, is 36. He is a successful businessman, perhaps too successful to visit his dying mother. I am hopeful, however, that he will see it fit to come to this area of the city. I know he is ashamed. Cough. Cough. I ring for the nurse, but she won’t stop by. She’s too busy with the others. So many workers. Cough. All of us are infected, our lungs mainly, by the chemicals rinsed through the fibers. Funny. The chemical to make the toys safe for the American children is what made us so ill. My name means River Chrysanthemum. My mother told me when she was expecting me, her family visited the pandas, along the Pearl River. There were Chrysanthemums in bloom. It was spring. The thought of Pandas, any bears actually, makes me cry now.

You don’t know who I am? You obviously don’t follow fashion. I’m Jan. I'm 26 and I’m the hottest new designer to hit the Hong Kong runways. I’ve had all the top models in my couture, Kiki, Elyse, Sun-Ji, everyone who is it on the HK scene. My styles are tight. So my new line, like, imagine Elves. Elfen warrior girls with big hair and thigh high boots and big collars and puffy sleeves. That’s it. Colors everywhere. Flatten the trim on the boots! Attitude and magic and, wow I’m overcome by my vision. The show is in fifteen minutes and everything is total chaos. You get up there and make sure the spot is ready! I’m excited. My muse? She’s huge here and some fatso doesn’t even realize it, Sahara Sunsabre. Her angles, her lines and her poses, she’s incredible. I want to weep she’s so beautiful. Digital is now the only influence of the world of the material. Jan is at the forefront of the revolution. I said bigger hair!

2 comments:

FiL said...

What a wonderful garden path you have just led me down! Simply brilliant!

FiL

MEK the Bear said...

That is possibly the most brilliant post I've ever read from anyone! Bravo!