December 16, 2005

Flirting with Disaster!

Breaking News! "(CNNMoney.com) Roger Toussaint, president of the Transport Workers Union Local 100, which represents about 34,000 workers, announced just after 7 a.m. ET that the union would start a strike against private bus lines operated under the Metropolitan Transportation Authority, starting Friday evening, and that the strike would then be extended to other "MTA properties."

A spokesman for the MTA was not immediately available for comment about the strike threat. "

Threat? Whatever. The Workers Union is going to strike thus crippling the greatest city on the planet, costing business owners billions and billions of dollars and ruining the holiday plans for thousands of chubby tourists unable to walk to their theatre and sight-seeing destinations.

It is going to suck when the trains shut down. Sadly, lost among the financial predicitions and omens of urban chaos is a very crucial niche group who rely on the subway for a very unique need: horny gay men.

Yes, horny gay men. CNN Money and Fox 5 News have seemed to overlook this special breed of subway rider. I interviewed a horny gay man via IM chat to get to the bottom of this potential crisis.

Gayest Neil: Thank you for taking time away from your day to sit down and discuss the possible subway strike with me and how it may affect your social life.

ATrainTicklr: What are you wearng? 47, 5'6" 155# br/bld

Gayest Neil: Sorry I wanted to ask you if the subway strike will affect how you meet men?

Gayest Neil: 31, 6'2" 205# Hairy muscled TOP... there. I'm very hot. Will you answer me now?

ATrainTicklr: HOT! Where R U? Into train groping and staring?

Gayest Neil: I'm not trying to pick you up. This is a journalistic endeavour!

ATrainTicklr: Are you a straphanger or a strapbanger?

Gayest Neil: What??

ATrainTicklr: Bottom=hanger. Top=banger.

Gayest Neil: I'm versatile.

ATrainTicklr: Straphanger! LOL

Gayest Neil: Ick! This is lame. And it's not funny anymore.

ATrainTicklr: Was it ever? Here. I'll tell ya. If the subway shutz down I'm never gonna b fuly fulfilled in my luv life. It's very sad and upsetting. I don't think the Union understands the full implcations of their decison. Yeah I'm a horny gay man! But I'm horny before a gay man. They shud think of that furst.

Suffice to say, a strike will have harrowing results on the gay community. Gay men have been enjoying illicit flirting on the subway since the dawn of mankind. What is it about a long, rigid shaft sliding through a dark tunnel that so excites the horny gay man? My dandy friend Jerry has some choice words about subway flirting on his blog Lo Admito:
"Several stops pass, each rock of the train, every jounce in the ride gets him that much closer as he stares at his target -- my leg. I begin to harden."
Definately a straphanger! And everyone knows the gay urban legend that the Village People first met after a Halloween party in 1968 as they were flirting with each other ON THE SUBWAY! But instead of an orgy, they ended up making a band and to this day entertain millions at family reunions and corporate holiday parties across the country.

Transit Workers Union: Are you willing to deny America tomorrow's "In the Navy" just so you can get your kids' teeth straigtened? Selfish! Besides, it doesn't matter. They're not gonna need pretty teeth to clean up trash in a subway tunnel just like ole pops.

But gay men need a functioning (yet understaffed) subway to uphold our bacchanalian lifestyles of sexual decadence and public depravity! Think of poor ATrainTicklr. With no subway running, he'll have noone to tickle. Think of poor LoAdmito. With no subway running, he'll have to write about boring stuff like theatre and politics. Think of all the poor horny gay men out there. With no subway running, we'll be forced to slink back into the nefarious shadows of gay book stores, x-rated theatres, gay coffee houses, gay bars, gym locker rooms and saunas, in-between library stacks, clothing store fitting rooms, national landmarks, building stairwells, mall rest rooms, that fat girl's wedding with the really hot caterer, highway rest stops, the internet, that abandoned parking lot behind Safeway, airport lounges, urban parks, that spot in the dunes of Fire Island (you know the one), the corner deli, garbage bins and beneath beach boardwalks to meet and flirt with one another again. As you can see the New York subway crisis could very well shut down gay flirting... forever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Transit Workers: If you must strike, you simply must. But please put yourself in our shoes first, and our pants second.

3 comments:

Foxy said...

First, you were a top and then you're all "I'm versatile." He's right, you're a total bottom.

Gayest Neil said...

No...I just need to pay better attention to continuity.

Ryan Charisma said...

Does this mean the village people are gay? Atounding. Just astounding. So I'm not the only one who had a 'gay' crush on David Hodo? (sigh)