December 07, 2005

Barking Seal

The most remarkable element of last night's Victoria's Secret Fashion Show wasn't the skimpy lingerie or even Tyra’s last jiggle down the runway. This exalted honor belonged to Seal who inexplicably sang his only song “Crazy” as part of a holiday themed underwear parade.

I didn’t understand why. Why is a performer who can’t top baby seals and Navy seals on a random google search singing along with a panty walk? Oh, his wife is one of the featured super models.

Seal is married to Heidi Klum.

Bryce and I were totally a cuddling atop our flea ridden futon when Seal appeared. He rose from the stage sitting in a giant Christmas ornament. I wish I could make a grand entrance like that someday. Sneak out to the Phoenix and install a giant snow globe in the basement. I’d likely drown inside of it. What a gruesome, gay discovery that’d be; my glitter speckled corpse floating among a plastic, underwater diorama of Santa’s workshop. Macabre and seasonal.

Wow Seal’s facial bumps (warts?) are really prominent. Does he feed them?

Bryce offered, “I hope Seal’s not going to sing that song he always sings.” I mused, “Of course he’s not going to sing that song he always sings. That song is soooo overplayed and besides, this is a holiday muff march".

Perhaps he should sing I’m dreaming of a white Christmas? No. He sang “Crazy” and we both laughed. And he sang that song as though his very life depended on it! It is painfully obvious that his super model wife demanded her husband sing or she’d walk, or wouldn’t walk as the case may be. Later on Seal and Heidi both talked about their lives in Germany. Seal sings there and watches his wife do fashion. Whatever.

Later on Ricky Martin poorly lip-synced a song I’d never heard before. I was certain I had discovered an esoteric theme (dated 90’s pop songs about mental illness), and Ricky would belt out “Livin La Vida Loca”. Wrong. He pantomimed something else while hoochie non-models bumped and ground around him.

And then it was back to very, very, very skinny girls walking around in their underwear. FYI: Naomi is so much more fierce than Tyra. Hate to (but had to) say it.


Foxy said...

"Does he feed them?" - OMG.

And throw out the futons, kids.

bryce said...

NEIL! Making it look like we like heifers in a feces ridden slum!

Those were crumbs, not fleas.

Anonymous said...

Too bad you have such bad taste and no humanity. Seal, who has never talked much about his facial scars, has intimated that the scars were forcefully applied when he was a victim of some physical abuse. So, it would be extremely low to make fun of the situation. but then you probably are extremely low. Stop, being jealous. Heidi loves him and they keep turning out those babies.