November 15, 2005

Strudel Strife

Apparently a non-disclosure agreement is quite binding. 133 pages of legal rigmarole which boils down thusly, "Give anything away about the show and you're fired." I gave secrets away regarding Oprah Winfrey Presents: America's Next Top Strudel in my previous post. As a result, I've been fired. SOBS!

Aixelsyd tluda evitareneged ym ot eud tnemeerga eht dear t'ndid I harpO dlot I. She didn't buy my lie though. Still I was canned (although she offered to have me on a show regarding adult dyslexia this winter.) Rachel over heard my weepy confessional and said I should stick with M&M's as a snack food. Not only are the tiny chocolates inexpensive, but its a palindrome food. Damn her! My apologies dear reader. I've been meditating all this weekend trying to exorcise the horrid reality that perhaps I'm not reality material. I'm afraid my vitriol has seeped into this post; much like the creamy drippings of a cholesterol chocked strudel. I SMELL LIKE BUTTER. It's everywhere!

Because of that damn show. Everything I touch: handles, knobs, switches, Bryce, everything is left with a slippery sheen. I am sweating grease due to four straight days of strudel sampling. ALL FOR NAUGHT! All so that wicked woman Oprah can kick me off her show simply for giving our fans the insider scoop they so richly deserve? And you won't believe who she replaced me with!


Michael Jackson! It's too weird. He seems like a rather contrived choice to me. Like something she dreamed up buzzed on caffeine. Hey? Who'd be the CRAZIEST replacement for Gayest Neil? Let's call Michael Jackson over in Turkey (is that where he is) and see if he'll fly here to replace our tattletale dandy on the season finale. Well she did and he agreed. It turns out strudel is an international hit. Wacko Jacko is content to please his European and Asian fans. What better way than strudel? SOBS!

I don't care! I'm over it! I'm over the futile declaration of my strudel love. I felt like a pastry parrot repeating myself over and over. How many synonyms for flakey, buttery, crunchy strudels can YOU bring forth dear reader? Don't judge me! Oprah how dare you fire your star! Was my light shining a little too bright? Perhaps.

Her utter disregard for the judging panel didn't end with me. Oh no. She even replaced Julia with a digitized version of Julia's younger self! Yes, indeed. The change is hardly subtle. Between the third and fourth episodes, suddenly Julia begins speaking and Rachel and I stopped wincing on camera at her cadaverous odor. Was the first Julia a zombie? I'm convinced Oprah is a practitioner of the black arts. No Oprah! That was not a crash moment.

A little Gayest Neil history here for context. In 1987 I lived in a Paris flop house with a troupe of heroin addicted mimes. I was neither a heroin addict or a mime. I was their makeup artist. Painting these mimes' faces was a very easy gig. They'd lay about all hopped up on junk and I'd do them up in little clown smileys and black tear drops. Everything was going ok, and although I didn't relish living in a bombed out warehouse among rats and gothic goofs, I still enjoyed the lifestyle. It all came to a muted halt, however, when the troupe's leader Monsieur Aparte told me with some very harsh gesticulation that my cosmetic counsel would no longer be required. Stupid mimes. I won't get into the specifics of why I was signaled to leave. Suffice it to say, mimes are not deaf. They may not speak, but they can certainly hear the critical things you say to them when their backs are turned. I wanted to burn that warehouse to the ground. I wanted to see them pantomiming a firehose in a futile attempt to save their lives. But never did I savor the delicious taste of vengeance on those dope fiend French fools. Instead I walked away, a single black tear drawn on my very own face.

But now - vengeance will be mine! Ladies and gentlemen. I happily give you the final two strudels of Oprah Winfrey Pres - GAH... the hateful show that shall from now on never be named! Mushroom Strudel vs. Pork Strudel.

Unfortunately I don't know which strudel won the grand honor (buttery sarcasm). Both are delicious dinner strudels and the chefs who created them equally charismatic. I feel Chef Erik "Wheels" Lawrence may have the upper hand in that he is a differently abled professional chef. Oprah certainly loves adversity. Then again Chef Ron is wonderfully cheeky and easily created the most delicious strudel of them all with his delicate (yet hearty) porcine pastry. Sadly none of us will know until the actual season finale... Blame it on Oprah.

1 comment:

Jerry said...

of course harpo = black arts. In so many bad, bad ways.