Curious Srinivas

I've purchased a monkey infant. The lonely nights staring in the negative space of Manhattan's urban canyons drove me to the brink of suicide. What saved me from tossing my Lexapro addled body from the 35th floor of my penthouse loft you ask? It was the twittering scream of Srinivas "stumpie" Apu James, my nine-day-old, stump-tailed macaque child. God, how I adore this primate.

Four days ago if you had asked me if today I'd have an exotic, illegally-imported, endangered species of monkey as my child, my protege, my precious, precious hairless-snugglekins, I would have answered "probably not". But fate brought this tiny feces-slinger into my life. And only fate, or U.S. customs, will take it away from me.

Of course my "friends" are seethingly jealous. Etienne says the "creature is repulsive". Bah! He's only angry because little Stumpie is far more delicate and innocent than that prattling nuisance of a bird he owns. So what if your parrot can sing the first half of Cherish, Etienne? (A true delight was when, over a game of Mah-Jong, that souless avian began screaming "I need poppers! I need poppers! Squaaak") Hah. Someone should move his pet away from his bed... and/or his sling.

Suffice to say I shall not remove little Srinivas ever from my bed or my heart, (or my left leg as the darling has clamped on with the strength of four such infant monkeys). I found him last week while touring Guwahati, the major city of India's northeastern state of Asam. (My apologies for being so lax with my updates as of late, but I cannot bear to carry a loathsome laptop along with me on holiday.) I was taking in the sights and wonders of an open air bazaar, primarily searching for cheap sunglasses and opiates, when there, my little wrinkled treasure, sat bound in a bamboo cage.

Stumpie was due to be sold as an aphrodisiac. Apparently when sufficiently boiled with lavendar, painted and worn around the neck, my new child has the power of seven Viagra! I'm so very proud of him. I paid a mere pittance (560,000,000 in Indian money: roughly $4 U.S. dollars. Practically a steal!) for the curious monkey. Suffice it to say, the past four days with little Srinivas have been a roller coaster; what with the dressing it as a pre-mee baby and the cutesy patootsey hurtling itself into my Tiffany stemware collection. But parenting a wild, infant monkey is a serious endeavour. Very few gay men are as affluent or lucky as I am. If I can give only a fraction of that back to the wild, infant monkey population then I shall again and again and again! Little Srinivas is part of my family now. I'm not sure how I'm going to tell my boyfriend Bryce.

Perhaps I'll ask him to massage my leg.