Cruisin for a Bruisin

Who cares?! Tom Cruise, aaagh! TOM CRUISE!! NO MORE FUCKING TOM CRUISE, EVER! Gah! I took a tenuous poop last night and after some consideration (and vanilla air freshener), called the Daily Post. "Hey Daily Post. Tom Cruise poops!" And this morning I saw the headline "Tom Cruise poops too!" Gah! Again, who cares?

OK, SO I CARE! I care so deeply for poor Tom and his caged, brain-washed Katie-pet that I feel obliged to digest all the internet Tom-foolery I can find and then forcefully regurgitate it, like a scabby buzzard feeding her chicks. Here you go baby birdies, open those jagged beaks wide, momma has some cadaverous, partially digested, tender morsels for you.

Oprah. Did it start with Oprah, she who was given a "crash" course in Hermes' customer service (on her way to buy a watch for Tina Turner nonetheless!) Can you imagine what that must be like? I'm on way to Paris to have dinner with Tina Turner. So why not buy her a watch. What did Tina give Oprah in return? A bootlegged dvd of Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome?

Tina - "Oprrrrah, you simmply muhst see me in this movie. I haave this crossbow on my wrrrist and I say Mahstah Blahstah ovah and ovah. Maahstah Blaahstah."
Oprah - "Uh, thanks. I'll have the Cornish hen for my entree and start off with the mussels. May I see the wine list?"
Tina - "Yessss ma'am. I'll entah your order rriight away, but first, a song. 'I'm yo priiiivate waitress, a waitress fo watches. order what you want me to brrrring. I'm yo priiivate waitress--'"
Oprah - "Get my mussels, bitch!" *slap!*

Did this sickening obsession with Tom Cruise start with him jumping on the sofa and pumping his fist and screaming his love for his then three week girlfriend Katie Holmes? Was it three weeks? For most gay couples a relationship that long can justify the downpayment on a miniature poodle. But then again: TOM CRUISE IS NOT GAY! But in the world of Tom Cruise, three weeks equals jumping on Oprah's couch. Do you know how hard Oprah would slap me if I showed up at her house and started jumping on her couch.

Oprah - "Gayest Neil get off that couch!"
Gayest Neil - "I'm sorry Ms. Sophia, but I's married now! I'S MARRIED NOW!"
Oprah - "Don't make fun of my movies!" *slap!*

Tom Cruise needs a generous slapping. Following Oprahgate, he dissed Brooke Shields (why?) and then Brooke Shields dissed him back. Then he proposed to Katie on the Eiffel Tower. Then what happened next? Hmmm. He bitched at Matt Lauer about over-medicating the crazy. Psychiatrists spoke out against him, calling him crazy and in need of medication. I nearly forgot Tom getting squirted in the face by a thick, oblong, black ... microphone (remember, not gay) in London and all the hullabaloo resulting from that. Then Steven Spielberg (while distancing himself from the kook) defended Tom. Even one time Tom-stalker Rosie O'Donnell has gotten into the fray by offering some advice to Tom in the guise of a weird poem on her blog:

after watching tom on o
and then every where else
in the free world
i think i may need to up my meds

shout out to brooke
stand tall girl
u saved a lot of women
by telling ur truth

my tommy needs to breathe
“heart humor and humility
will lighten up your heavy load”
said joni mitchell

Brilliant! Ted Kooser you better watch your day job. Now to top it all off, Tom says he believes in aliens. Granted, I believe in aliens too. Infact a riveting CNN poll (jesus why do I read CNN Headline News all day long?) revealed that 61% of Americans believe in the existence of Aliens. *sigh*

Maybe I don't care for Tom Cruise after all. Its just too much going on. In other news (fuck is this really news?) Jessica Simpson's hair was named the #1 that Americans want on their head. Suffice it to say Tina Turner's wasn't on the list. Jessica Simpson's hair proceded to diss Tom Cruise's hair. Publicists for Tom Cruise's hair haven't responded as of this entry.