June 03, 2005

Believe It or Fuck Yourself!

Because I'm too lazy to write anything creative lately. (You were once creative?) Shut up you! (No, you shut up.) I repeat BE QUIET!! (Go Fuck Yourself!) Ah...excellent title.

Introducing: Believe It or Go Fuck Yourself!
On Fridays I shall host a "news of the weird" feature...maybe. Some of the wretched stories are the truth, scraped from the horrifying depths of the world wide web, some of them are fake, scraped from the horrifying depths of my sapphire and ruby pierced belly-button. OK? Let's see what's in the news.

Potty Mouth:A DUI suspect put a handful of his own feces in his mouth in a police station in what officers said was an attempt to foil a Breathalyzer test. Said an official, "I don't think alcohol alone would make you do (that)." [Toronto Sun, 3-30-05]

Glory Ho:A male inmate and a female inmate in a Turkish prison were given additional four-month sentences in February for destruction of property after they were convicted of having made a 4-inch hole in the wall separating their cells and using it to conceive a child (according to Istanbul's largest morning newspaper, Hurriyet). [Agence France-Presse, 2-28-05]

Believe it to Beaver: A single mother in rural Florida gave birth to what maternity workers described as "a beaver". The 8 pound, 3 ounce infant girl suffers from aptly named "werewolf syndrome" in which a person's body sprouts soft hair from head to toe. Said the mother, "She's as furry as a beaver, but I still love little Kaitlin." [Brevard Sun Register 2-28-05]

Tyson Best of Pigeon: Mike Tyson loves pigeons. Infact, he owns 350 of the foul little fowl. At a recent Phoenix City Council subcomittee hearing regarding the residential keeping of pigeons, Tyson showed up unannounced stating "I am just here for anyone that's for the pigeons. They're pretty harmless." It's not clear how Tyson became interested in pigeons, but an oft-told story is that he got his first taste of fighting after beating up a bully who killed one of his beloved birds. [The Arizona Republic, 6-2-04]

Coffee Anon: A young man in New York City, New York is considering suing Starbucks Coffee for alledgedly administering a toxic agent in his morning brew. He accuses the national chain of secretly causing his memory loss. The young man, identity unknown, doesn't remember anything except ordering a coffee. Everything else is "a blur". "I intend to [file charges] as soon as I find my apartment." [Village Voice, 5-24-05]

Formerly Fairy: Gladys Johnston of Plattsbluff, Nebraska is hanging up her wings. The spritely 76 year old once know as the "Fairy Godmother" has decided to call it quits after nearly three decades of entertaining local children." Kids these days don't believe in magic. It's all video games and music videos. And I'm just getting too old to sit out here and read fairy tales." Her home is decorated with close to 8000 fairy statues and pictures from all over the world. She plans to sell most of her collection online and donate the rest to fairy enthusiasts. [The Nebraskan, 5-26-05]


TRAYB said...

Oh fun -- I used to love these games. So are you going to reveal which ones are the fake ones?
I can so see a twist in the answer key. (Turns out they're ALL TRUE. Who knew?)

Gayest Neil said...

True: Mike Tyson! Glory Hole! Fecal Solution!
False: Cafe Amnesia! Fairy Lady! Beaver Girl!