What's in a Naima?

Last night, Naima was selected as the fourth winner of "Tyra Bank's Show About Tyra Banks and Also How Much Tyra Banks Loves Barbecue Ribs, Tyra Banks", a.k.a. "America's Next Top Model". Congratulations Naima, I'm certain your soft spoken demeanor and non-threatening, ambiguous, pan-ethnic facade will sell plenty of Covergirl lip gloss to a generation of hungry 'tween mall brats. I do siimply adore your faux-hawk, darling.

So let's get to the meat of it. "Did somebody say meat?" Aw shit, here comes Tyra! America's Next Top Model sucks now. There. I've said it. Yikes. I'm peeking out my window lest Giganta herself reach into my fourth floor walk-up and pluck me out with her buttery fingers, tossing me into the street like a discarded buffalo chicken bone. Ya'll, ever since her no more wire hangers moment, Tyra-of-the-Tangerine-Ramen-Noodle-Weave scares me silly. As an ardent viewer of the show's entire run, I feel it's my duty to finally express what has been on my mind. This damn show either needs a face lift (any suggestions Ms. Janice?) or it needs to give itself the boot, preferably leather, stiletto heeled, Italian boots. Here's my list. Tyra, please feel free to read this over a light snack of chicken and waffles.

Hay-Hay-Ho-Ho, Jay-Manuel-Has-Got-To-Go. Jay's art direction consists of splattering the girls with too much eye makeup, dressing them in kudzu and/or daisy dukes and directing them with demands of 'make it fierce gurl…fiercer!' What's fierce is his nasty, orange spray tan.
Solution: Tyra you need to infuse this show with a new artistic vision. What am I saying? Forget new, think any artistic vision! Please. Think aloof. Oh never mind, none of the girls this season knew what "aloof" meant. Which takes me to. . .

Short Bus to the Photo Shoot. Lordy, these were the stupidest young ladies ever in the history of Reality TV! (That's a bold statement, yes.) Where did you find these dumb gals? I mean seriously. They were illiterate. They couldn't read aloud, none of them.
Solution: I'm not saying cast the show entirely with models on their way to medical school, but at least cast some girls who have an ounce of book learning. Or better yet take a page from Bravo's fabulous "Project Runway". Their show is cast with up-and-coming fashion designers and the result is a fiercely competitive, fantastic show that from the get go had me guessing who'd win. If you cast ANTM season five with actual models who have been in the business, not only will the photo shoots shine but the competition will step up as well. Maybe you need some Reality TV schooling yourself girlfriend?

Product Displacement: I do not want to see these ditzy models forced to hold a jar of Jiffy Peanut Butter while posing like a Greek statue while hang gliding over a pit of snakes. Everything but the peanut butter is fine. The product placement on this damn show has gotten out of delicately positioned hand.
Solution: If you're selling a product, it better be a fancy scarf or a handbag or a pair of shoes. Otherwise, leave it for the commercial breaks. Speaking of commericials, bring back the awkward Cover Girl Tip of the Week! Naima can quietly mumble how to put on eye shadow while Orange Julius dresses her like Rum Tum Tiger. AND NO MORE EVA PIGFORD! I simply cannot handle her truth.

Finally, Deadwood Homage: Listen to Heather Havrilesky's advice. She's a cocksucking know-it-all whose better off fucking johns in the whore house not writing opinions at the Daily Standard, but she's got fucking damn good sense and I hear a juicy can to rival Tyra herself.
Solution: Read her article about last night's show here.