Peruvian mummyologists were shocked this weekend by the apparent discovery of Joan Rivers buried within a crypt two miles beneath the surface of the Andes Mountains.
"Make no mistake. It is definitely Joan Rivers." said expert mummyologist Dr. Jorge Velasquez. The likeness is uncanny and grotesque. "Oh God she's so fucking ugly, man. I can't bear to look at her. I think I'm going to vomit."
From pinched, sunken eye sockets to the dried, stretched skin across her bony, desiccated, nose-bereft face, the shriveled mummy is an identical match for red carpet diva Joan Rivers. "My research team thought we had it good when we found several mummified dogs and chickens. We had no idea what was in store for us until we opened the "Joan" crypt further below."
The "Joan" crypt is the name the research team gave to the interior chamber. It was here that Dr. Velasquez and his mummyology crew pried open a hieroglyphic covered stone door and made a significant discovery not only for Peruvian culture, but Peruvian couture as well.
"It was crazy man. The walls were covered in old dresses, all left in tatters. It looks like some sort of costume sacrifice. My mummyologist's instinct tells me they buried Joan Rivers in here and sacrificed these ugly ass Peruvian dresses to her thousands of years ago. It's crazy. I still don't know how there are two Joan Riverses in the world. She's still alive right? Doing that bitchy red carpet stuff on tV? Where she makes fun of Hollywood gowns at the Oscars?"
The hieroglyphs on the entry door may hold the answers that antiquity scholars and celebrity fashionistas seek in light of this bizarre, evocative discovery.
The following prophecies were translated from an ancient Peruvian mummy language:
"And lo the matron jester of the kings shall achieve un-death upon prophecy of the Queen's robes. Nay shall speak of plagues and wars and temples to the sun. All shall speak of best dressed and worst dressed! And none shall look upon her visage, lest cursed dreams and crying Peruvian babies spoil their night's
rest. And so shall the matron jester live thousands stone calendars beyond the Gods and unto every generation she shall be reborn like the elegance of a single-hued, fitted waist gown with simple, beaded accents matched with a stylish brooch, slinky heels and a graceful wrap. Lo shall she be named the Jo'An of the Rivers, the matron jester of the Queen's robes. And the carpets shall run red with the blood of the worst dressed."
Peruvian mummyologist Dr. Jorge Velasquez had this to add, "Dude, that's fucked up."
I attempted to contact Joan Rivers for comment on this bizarre discovery but upon her answering, locusts crawled from my phone, severely biting my hands. Subsequent attempts resulted in virgin's blood pouring from my phone as well as the nightmarish sounds of Billy Ray Cyrus' 1992 crossover country hit, "Achy Breaky Heart".
Again, Peruvian mummyologist Dr. Jorge Velasquez, "Dude, that's really fucked up. That song is so terrible. I think I'm going to vomit."
Exactly. Something ancient and evil was unearthed that day. A secret that should never have been discovered. We'll leave this mummy mystery to the experts and the fashion advice to the hauntingly beautiful Joan Rivers, the matron jester of the Queen's robes.