November 15, 2004

Gimme, Gimme, Gimme...ABBA!

‘70s superstars, Abba, have announced that they will never again wear their trademark sequined, shimmy-suits as it would only disappoint their fans.

Granted they would have a lot of hype to live up to. Abba was one of the most successful 1970s European pop groups. They won the 1974 Eurovision Song Contest with "Waterloo" and subsequent hits included "Fernando," "Dancing Queen," and "The Winner Takes it All." But, said singer Bjorn Ulvaeus, “Its just not there.”

Well this dancing queen must disagree. Abba, the world needs you now more than ever! Today’s music is such a bore! Everything is taken so seriously.

They dress like Luke Skywalker because they're our only hope!
Stuff your flabby bodies into those dusty jumpsuits, harmonize, pump up the synthesizers and the fog machine and bring smiles back to contemporary pop music. What will it take, Abba? In 2000, you turned down a $1 billion offer to reunite and go on tour. What the fuck were you thinking?

Benny Andersson, you told the Swedish paper Aftonbladet, "It is a hell of a lot of money to say no to, but we decided it wasn't for us.” Go jump in a fjord, Benny! It’s not about you. It’s about your adoring public! It’s about me twirling under a disco ball to the chorus of “Super Trouper” and “smiling like the sun, feeling like a number one.”

And what of Agnetha and Anni? Don’t they get a say on the one billion dollar question?

Look at Cher. What would she do? She’s your contemporary and is still rocking. The woman doesn’t have a natural body part left but she’s grooving like gravy. If nothing else, just sing a little ditty for furniture manufacturer Ikea. A series of TV advertisements would be so delightful and no one would blame you for selling out because the entire planet Earth is eager for your heralded return.

The desire for an Abba reunion has been simmering for three decades. 80’s synth-pop band Erasure did an entire cover album of Abba hits. The 90’s film “Muriel’s Wedding” brought Abba to the forefront during a talent show contest featuring then unknowns Rachel Griffiths and Toni Collette. And today the smash Broadway show “Mamma Mia!” delights New York tourists nightly with your springy songs and glittering costumes.

Yeah you crazy kids have all grown up. You all got divorces from each other. Some of you likely wear wigs now or maybe have to dance with a cane. But the world honestly loves you! Spread your breezy tones of love and harmony and the world will be a better place. I’m certain of it. Abba, please come back to us.

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