October 04, 2004

Masturbator of the Universe

First it was a shitty Garfield remake and now He-Man is set to make a big screen revival at the fast grasshopper-style Hong Kong action director hands of John Woo. What’s next? Will VICKI the robot girl make it to the silver screen in a cinematic adaptation of TV’s “Small Wonder”?

Harvey, have your people call my people. That could be big!

Why Woo, why? Why? Cause 1980’s fetishism is, like, totally bad to the bone. And Mattel has bins of He-Man toys collecting dust in far away Chinese warehouses. They must be sold. America’s little boys need half naked, muscle men with giant glistening swords to pound against one another.

May I remind you the last movie was sooooooooooo bad? By Orko’s hat it was so bad! Dolph Lundgren was the worse He-Man ever (at least until Woo’s remake, err revisioning. I’m not sure).

I still don’t understand why he had a laser pistol. A fucking laser pistol? He-Man has the Sword of Eternia! He-Man never used a stupid laser pistol! That’s been simmering on my stove for decades now.

And poor little Courtney Cox with frizzy 80’s hair, she was a mess. Why risk it, John Woo? Why gamble the He-Man franchise and a generation’s collective memory with what could be a second resoundingly crappy film?!

Green screens and martial arts could help the special effects, but I’d wager it’s all going to come down to the casting and unfortunately the muscle bound macho action star has been replaced by the witty, doe-eyed mama’s boy. In 1984 Arnold and Dolph reigned supreme. Twenty years later, the action stars are skinny little nerds like Toby Maguire or Jude Law. Let them play She-Ra. Where ever will you find a suitable He-Man? Not The Rock! By the Power of Grayskull anyone but The Rock. PLEASE!

This whole project sounds fraught with perils as deadly as Hordak’s green slime pit. Atleast casting Skeletor will be easy. Check out most gay porn and you’ll find any number of suitable steroid pumped actors with skeletal, wasting faces.

Ouchies, that was a bit harsh.

Well John Woo best of luck. I certainly will see your fucking film, but I won’t buy your merchandise. At least I won’t open and play with any of the toys I might buy. It would ruin their collectibility and in twenty years who knows how fetishized the 2000’s will be?

No comments: