September 12, 2004

Arnold Schwarzen-LAME-r

Arnold Schwarzenegger, I’m calling you out, bitch!

How dare you call Democrats “girlie-men”? Not only did you dis gays and women, you resorted to a tired SNL catch-phrase.

For shame Gropenator! For shame!

You were once known as the Muscle from Bruxelles? Guess what Arnie, your 70’s nude workout tape is part of my vintage porn collection. “Masculine Erotica” my ass! There you are oiled, flexing, pumping, naked, nude, erect and… whoah, is it cold outside. Do you need a little blue pill? You have a lot of nerve calling the Democrats “girlie men”.

Ahem, I have you freeze-framed on my TiVo right now! I called up Monica Lewinski and we had some girl talk. She quickly concurred that atleast one Democrat has you beat hands and pants down.

I feel your pain!

The state assembly won’t pass your ridiculous budget? Guess what, Conan? It’s not 1985. Three blonde chicks, eight lines of cocaine and a movie opening don’t solve everything these days. I’ll admit it can solve a lot. But those bleached white surfboard teeth only get you so far…

Governor, you are playing a dangerous game. You piss off the gays and who then will fix up your fake hair and spray on your tan? Exactly.

You want to know how to cajole the Democrats?

Tell them you love them. We’re only seeking someone to tell us we’re right. We need our Republican parents to accept our wacky lifestyles. Tell us you understand where we’re coming from, even if only once. We’re not crazy radicals. We’re not just whale-saving lunatics. We just want a world where we can all hang out man and like, be one with nature and stuff. Yeah, cause, like you guys with the money, you don’t know what it’s like living on the streets.

And as that little Liberal tells you his sob sorry, just nod and pat him on the back. I know you can do compassionate. I saw you do it at the end of “Diehard.” What? That wasn’t you? Ah damn, I’m sooo sorry!

That Bruce Willis, now HE should be in office because you are an oafish clod. For crying out loud, you ran against Gary Coleman!


Granted, you have a magnetic personality and, in your day, I’m sure you smacked more than one ho. But you can’t do that anymore. It’s a changed world. People are sensitive to us gays, and women and titties. In Conan 2, Grace Jones was falling out of that fur bikini. She was such a fierce, powerful African American role-model for young gay boys to emulate. Well, nowadays a sistah shows her titty and everyone’s yelling about fines. What happened to you? Maria Shriver sunk those talons in, cut off that little dick and neutered herself an Austrian bull. Do they have bulls in Austria? I know they have skirt-chasing pigs! One’s the governor of California!

I’ll break it down for you, big guy: Today’s America needs less “Red Heat” and a lot more “Kindergarten Cop”, but doing so makes you look stupid in front of the cool kids, the Liberals. You joined their side when you signed the line.

And keep your filthy conservative rhetoric to yourself. Don’t forget your first paycheck was 70’s gay porn. And Arnold, the next time you crack-wise about “girlie men”…

I’ll… be… back… bitch!

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