August 10, 2004

Village Idiot

M. Night Shamster, you owe me $11.50!
I saw your “supernatural”, “suspenseful” and “frightful” film The Village. This pile of poo-poo centers on a Ye Olden Times colonial village. There’s way-too-clean vaguely Quaker extras tending to fields, praying, making oatmeal. What else do Quakers do? All the while terrorized by creepy boogey men in red capes and spindly claws, but the only thing deadly here was my boredom.

The star of this snoozer is Joaquin Phoenix’s Mole. Joaquin Phoenix’s Mole pouts and emotes. Mole obviously studied Method acting. I hope Joaquin Phoenix’s Mole gets an Oscar nod because it’s all I watched during this whole friggin’ movie!

Speaking of talent, I’m sad William Hurt and Sigourney Weaver have to work at a Ye Olden Times Quaker village re-creation, but I'm even sadder when it turns out the boogey men are fake! They’re actually the elders scaring the villagers into Quaker submission. TERROR, TERROR, TERROR may be topical, but totally lame-o. Boo Mr. Shampoo, boo!

It’s not even really set in Ye Olden Times. M. Night Shama-lama-ding-dong’s signature surprise ending: it’s modern day! The village elders have somehow built a fake village in a Pennsylvania wildlife preserve in order to keep their loved ones safe from the dangers of modern 21st century society. Dangers like TERROR, TERROR, TERROR! Must they rely on deadly mall Santas as their agents of chaos?

Luckily, a blind girl travels through the spooky woods, kills a fake hedgehog man, climbs a chain link fence, waves down a park ranger and gets the medicine The Village requires, thus keeping the secret for future generations of Ye Olden Times Quaker extras.

Joaquin Phoenix’s Mole is fascinating nonetheless.

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