August 28, 2004

Style Your Rile!

Hello everyone! Gayest Neil here with faboo fashion tips to keep you pretty while protesting the Republican National Convention. I’ve got a lot to cover, so let’s get marching!

Add some flare to your ire. Even the smallest detail can transform a paltry protester into a rocking rebel. Does that boring old black stocking mask got you down? Try something new. Accentuate your stocking mask with a breezy sun hat or a floppy fedora. A paisley scarf or a crimson hanky are wonderful additions to any militant garb. With a small pair of scissors, cut eyeholes into
the material and wear sunglasses underneath. The cops can’t see you, and the sun is kept out of your eyes as well.

Don’t be afraid of face paint! From whimsy clown paint to militant camouflage, properly applied face paint will make you the hit of your MoveOn clique. Be sure to powder after though! The hot sun makes you sweat and the last thing you want is Ben Nye Blue 3 running into your eyes. They’ll be stinging enough from the pepper spray and tear gas.

Choose a style and go for it! Whether it’s EcoTerrorism, Women’s Rights, Urban Anarchy or Free Tibet, grab your theme and go for it with gusto. In this day and age, the issues to protest are endless. Unfortunately so are the style options. Slogan t-shirts do the talking for you, but words can get so very busy. Trinkets and just the right haircut can say more than any Greenpeace logo.

But not all T-shirts are bad. Vintage is sooo in. Shake the dust off those old Democratic campaign t-shirts and parade your liberal cred by supporting Carter, Mondale and Clinton. Even Gore is chic after his Bush blasting a few months back, not to mention that beard makes him damn sexy. Woof, woof. He can put me in a lock-box any day! (Gays can make anything sound like a sexual innuendo).

Hydrate, hydrate, hydrate! But for God sakes don’t arrive with a gallon jug of tap water in a disgusting Tupperware pitcher. Please. Spend a little bling and treat yourself to a thirst quenching designer water. From Cherokee Mountain “America’s first water” to Della Madonna “the choice of Popes and Emperors for centuries”, your perfect water is only a mouse click away. And don’t forget the sunscreen. Moisturize today to avoid a face peel tomorrow.

Gender Bender? Boys who are girls who are girls who are boys. Nothing confuses Republicans more than gender bending. Straight boys, don’t shy away from wearing a skirt. You’d be surprised how liberating it is and how many looks you’ll get skipping up Seventh Avenue. Just pray you don’t get arrested. If you showed up in the clink wearing a gown, even I would beat you.

Forget Foot Comfort. You may have to run from nightsticks, horses hooves and Karl Rove, but properly fitting and comfortable footwear is not an issue if you see the perfect shoe for Sunday’s perfect march. Think slinky and narrow!

Best Fist Forward. Pump that fist in the air, but only if it’s wearing a stylish fingerless glove, sequined mitten or studded leather wrist-cuff. Silver rings and properly manicured fingernails add to your handy aesthetic.

Don’t Bring a Bag. I clutch to my clutches like a mewling infant to the umbilicus. But alas, on Sunday I’m leaving my Kate Spade Mini-Duffle at home. Too much hassle from the police and the hungry, hungry hippies. Just because I have a bag doesn’t mean I want to share my Portobello mushroom and Brie sandwich with you Moonbeam! Make sure all of your belongings can fit inside your pockets.

Dress Like a Tourist? Other people say it’s a good idea in order to blend in with the gawkers. I say don’t do it. If I see you dressed like a tourist, I’ll definitely snub you. And neither of us wants that, darling. Be safe, have a wonderful protest and one last tip: Blue is perfect for any occasion, especially this November.

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